Update after several months of absence

[trc2009]

First of all, here is my previous thread if anyone would like to catch up on my situation. Given that a lot has happened and the so many things have changed since the last time I posted, I thought it would be better to start fresh.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2455878&page=1

When I last left posted here, W and I were living together, she finally got a job, we were generally getting along, and there was no sex, touching, etc. We had a family vacation planned with my family back before we were having problems. She said she really wanted to go but I actually know for a fact she wasn't going to be able to get time off of work because she had just started her job. Given that we were doing so well, I left it at that and didn't push the issue.

We got back from vacation and she seemed legitimately happy for me to be home. But around the 4th of July, I could sense that she was starting to settle back into that cycle of uncertainty about our marriage. I asked her about it which I'm not sure in hindsight was a good idea but it led to her saying that she wasn't sure if she could ever be physical with me anymore. Obviously that was a huge kick in the pants and it led to a few weeks of uncomfortable tension w/ her and I.

Well, a couple of weeks later I was driving her car to get the oil change and I opened up her glove compartment to get the service schedule out. I found written down on several notes apartments and what other stuff. Again, I wanted to know the truth so I asked her about it and she got very upset with me. She made up the excuse that she was looking for an apartment for her friend at work. That was complete and utter b.s. and it led to a fight. Finally she admitted that she wanted a divorce and she was going to get an apartment. She was just wanting to see if things got better and if she'd snap out of it. At that point the cat was out of the bag and I think she just decided it was time to move forward.

If you go back through my sitch you can see that I thought she was having an EA but she was denying it at every turn. I handed over the phone responsibilities to her in January because she asked me to trust her with this guy who lives several states away that she was good friends with growing up. Well, at this point, she said she wanted a divorce and I HAD to know. The phone is in my name so I registered for my own account and started doing a little digging to know the truth. Holy crap. From January to that point in July, they had traded over 8,000 text messages and had had several phone conversations that lasted hours and hours. Now, most of them were from January-March when we were separated. But they were still very much in communication after we ended our separation.

Of course I confronted her about this and she was very upset. I asked her if she loved him and she said no that they're just friends. I called the guy. To his credit, we had a great conversation and he was open and honest with me. I asked him if it ever got inappropriate beyond just friends. He said from his standpoint, no. He did say a few times he loved her but it was never "love you" from more than a friend standpoint. His exact words were "I can't tell you if your wife thought the same." He did say he could understand why I was upset about it and it hindsight he was sorry that they communicated so often.

So that was behind me. Well, she moved out. Strange, strange experience which I'm sure some of you can attest. I immediately started back with my 180's (although several of them I was still doing the whole time). She took a lot of the furniture so the house looked bare. I told myself I'm now turning this into "my house," not "our house." I bought all new living room furniture, took anything off the walls that had her or her family. Completely moved rooms around. Repainted a few rooms, etc. We're doing shared parenting which believe it or not is going wonderfully. Her and I have almost always agreed on the parenting aspect. But on nights I don't have them, I've been doing everything in my power to stay busy. Practice the 180's, and move on.

Before I go any further, let me say that I've learned so much this year about working on yourself, doing 180's, and learning that I need to be okay and happy with or without my wife. Even though it was hard to hear her say she wanted a divorce and she was moving out, I knew deep down that I would be fine. And I still know I'll be fine. But that doesn't mean I want to completely give up either.

NOW HERE IS WHERE THINGS ARE GETTING INTERESTING AND ULTIMATELY WHY I'M BACK HERE.

About a week or so after she moved out, we both agreed to go see an attorney together to discuss our options. We both agreed that a dissolution is much more desireable than a divorce since we already agree on finances, the kids, etc. It's cheaper, easier, and faster. To her credit, she isn't asking for a dime but the court may require me to pay some child support whether she wants it or not (income disparity...so be it). At that point, I suggested we take two breathes, make sure everyone is okay in their new roles, and we'd reconvene within a few months (no hard date set) to start the process.

We talked briefly about dating other people. She said if someone asked her out on a date and he seemed like a good guy, she probably wouldn't say no. She actually told me "you've gone so long without sex, I'd give you a high-five if you were finally able to." Strange statement but I think she was just trying to ease the tension. If we were separated and heading for divorce, I guess dating other people isn't the worst thing in the world.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I had to call her about something with the kids one evening. I could tell she was very distracted. I asked her if she was on a date. She slowly said "yes." I asked "how many dates" have you guys been on? She said "four." I wish I would have just left it at that. But I'm human and I didn't. I got pretty upset with her, which turned into a fight over the phone and the next day when I dropped the kids off it turned into another big fight. A couple of days after that when I came to pick the kids up, she was still very upset and said if we didn't go see the attorney to get the dissolution started immediately, she was going to file for divorce.

Well......that's been almost five weeks ago. We haven't had a fight or argument since then. She's still seeing this guy and I know for a fact he stays there a lot of nights when she doesn't have the kids (she lives off of a main road that unfortunately I have to drive by nearly every day). Well, last week, I was dropping the kids off in the morning before work and was just a few minutes early. He was pulling out as I was pulling in. Not sure if it was the right move but I asked her if he was staying there. She said yes. I already knew the answer to that but I wanted to hear it from her. Me and my sense of humor, I said, "okay, I kind of figured it was more serious than what you were letting on, but you told me you'd probably be dating someone if they came along. If he's spending the night here, I seriously doubt you guys are putting puzzles together until 7 in the morning." I actually got a laugh out of her on that one but she said "we have not had sex, but I can tell you that we aren't just friends."

Here is where I need some help.

Now, I've pulled my insecurities and temper into a monumentally big check over the last year and DBing & therapy has helped me a lot with this. Sure, is it uncomfortable for me that my wife has another guy staying with her and I'd say there's a pretty good chance they're sleeping together even though she denies it. Absofreakinglutely. I've been on a few dates with someone but I actually just told her this past weekend that while I'm still married we can be more than just friends. My W may not share those same feelings but I'm still committed to the marriage vows even though we're headed toward divorce.

The problem is this. The last time we even had the slightest conversation about meeting again with the attorney was a couple of weeks ago. She said she wasn't sure her work schedule so she hadn't gotten to it (a lie....she told me her work schedule for 9/1-9/19 a week prior to that). Since then, she hasn't said a word about meeting with an attorney again.

Now, I try not to kid myself that my w may be having second thoughts. I asked her if she had the money to pay her half a couple of weeks ago and she assured me she did. But part of me thinks she's cake eating. The only thing I support her at this point is health insurance. She is paying for everything above and beyond that. I know money is tight for her because she doesn't make that much money. I seriously doubt she's taking handouts from this guy. When we first dated I lived with her for a couple of months and she didn't have money then. She is to proud and stubborn to take money from people. Maybe she's just getting this out of her system? She won't even tell her family his name. We have an agreement that nobody is allowed to be around our children until either of us are in a serious relationship with someone. She said last week that it will be a while before the kids meet him. Is she trying to see who is the better option?

I've been 180ing to a "t" since I found out she was dating him. I even went so far as to say "as long as you're doing what you feel will make you happy, I won't get in the way of that. I know I'm okay married or not married. As long as you and I are good for the kids sake, then that's all I care about." That may have been giving her a green light to sleep with this dude, but that's on her conscience, not mine.

In the meantime, keeping the 180's is key. I'm not nearly as co-dependent on her as I was. I actually enjoy some of the nights I'm home alone. It lets me go out and do some stuff that I otherwise couldn't do. I've been completely faithful to the marriage although I've gone out a few times with a very cool girl.