I think what I've learned is H does still need a 'green light'. So for instance, he did not contact me all day yesterday but as soon as I sent a 'Hello' text (green light) he was all over it. He definitely looks for positive signs from me first, then he's good to go.
I'm struggling today with the idea of OW at work. I don't know why it's hitting me harder today than previously. Probably because I saw her office space the other day and the reality really hit home. Ugh! I am still wondering if I should go to the office. Not to confront her but it annoys me that I feel like I can't freely go to H's office whenever I want. That doesn't seem right.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I'd steer clear of the office until you feel you can go in there with confidence. There are plenty of other places you can see H.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I wouldn't bite off more than I could chew in these fragile first days.
I feel your pain, though, mdu, I really do.
Right now, though, I'd focus on building POSITIVES in your M. Positive experiences and positive memories. I'd encourage you - especially while things are so fragile and you are (very understandably) on an(other) emotional roller coaster - to steer clear of OW. Why poke that bear right now?
It really comes down to what you think you can handle - and how you think you'd feel during and after.
The last thing anyone would want for you is to see your focus switched from your M to OW, who - as zew has accurately said - "is already road kill." And I'd hate to see it send you into a spiral.
Then again, I think you're demonstrating a lot more "emotional stability," if you will, lately.
Sit on it, and I bet you'll come up with the answer.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I think there will be two key barometers to determine if/when I will be ready to go to H's office with OW there: 1). am I in a place where I can do it really confidently (as you said, Barrybran) and 2). are H and I ready to do it collaboratively, so I do NOT use it as an excuse to unleash on him.
I think I'm still falling short on both, especially #2. So it's not quite time, I'll hold off.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
We had another positive exchange last night. After our night together for his work event when I woke up with nightmares about H and OW I did some on-line research and emailed H a couple of articles about dealing with triggers after an A. H read them and emailed me back asking if there's anything specifically he can do to help. In my reply one thing I suggested was that he could help me keep the focus on US rather than OW. I gave an example and said that I was thinking of asking him about what he and OW used to talk about (because talking is something he said they did a lot and attracted him), but instead I thought it would be wiser to ask him questions about what he wishes WE talked more about. He agreed and actually answered all my questions about talking (I didn't expect that, was just trying to give him examples of focusing our M work on us rather than OW).
If you all recall my list of questions from above he essentially answered bullet point #1. And very easily and happily. So maybe he's more open to this type of conversation than I give him credit for. I think emailing about it might have made things a bit easier as well.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Hmmm...I'm surprised by your advice. Isn't a fundamental principle of DBing do what works? I 'snuck' one in...and it WORKED. Why would I slam on the brakes? They're good questions, his replies to the first one gave me a lot of helpful info. He even said in his reply it was a good question. I'm not saying I'm going to dive in with both feet this instant but if he's receptive to answering my questions (one at a time, when the timing seems right), why would I completely halt?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Because, as a man, I would feel "Great. I gave her what she wanted, and -- in typical "Old mdu" fashion, I'm now getting a blast-of-heat asking for more."
You don't want to convey a sense of "Whatever I tell her, it's never good enough."
Hmmm...I'm surprised by your advice. Isn't a fundamental principle of DBing do what works? I 'snuck' one in...and it WORKED. Why would I slam on the brakes?
I could easily flip this around and say "asking for ONE answer right now, WORKED."
And so now I'm advising that you continue this "less is more" approach when it comes to the navel-gazing questions.
