Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

OK, things are different now. I'm not sure they're better now, but I have more hope than I've had in a very long time... although the hope comes with some ambivalence on my end. It appears that Mr. Gritty wants to try to reconcile.

Over last week Mr. Gritty's friendly texts increased, and then I started getting phone calls, too. Then Mr. Gritty sent me an apology via text.

He told me he was very sorry for all he'd put me through in the last twelve months, and that he took full responsibility for it, that he owned it. He swears he has not been with anyone else for several months. I responded with a thank you. I mean, it's a texted apology but it's more than I've gotten before.

The next day was my appointment with my DB coach, who was surprised and glad at this turn of events. The plan: to listen to what Mr. Gritty has to say while affirming and validating, not push R, D or $ talks, and hold off on my emotional needs right now in order to meet his and better gauge where he is right now.

I'm taking this one day at a time. I do not intend to live like this forever. We've got a boatload of issues to work through at some point. He broke the trust in our relationship, he needs to help fix it. It's just that now is not the time. Hence, my ambivalence. He is not moving home until I feel like it is the right time. (He hasn't asked yet, either.)

We've seen each other a couple of times this week. As he is unwilling to visit me in our home, I drive to see him, which feels like I'm having to do the courting, or something. I haven't said anything like this but on one of our dates he said he felt bad about me always driving to see him and he took me to dinner at a local place near the house.

Yesterday he wanted to be intimate and I broke the no R talk rule. I asked him: "I need to know: what exactly has changed since last week when you said I 'manipulated' you into doing conflict resolution? What has changed since you initiated D proceedings and said you were 'through' and 'done' with our marriage?"

He said he was confused and trying to find his way, but he knows now where he wants to be. I asked him how he knew he wouldn't be confused anymore? Like, maybe, next week? How does he know he won't suddenly feel trapped and caged and controlled like he's suddenly felt at odd moments throughout the last year?

He said he just knows. I told him I was glad he was sure but I still have to protect myself and until I feel safe, I would be careful. He said he understood. And yet, during dinner, he was telling me about a work issue he had, and how he had to call the OW and get her to fix it for him. I didn't say anything but my face must've changed because he stopped and apologized and said he keeps forgetting that he had a relationship with her. I just changed the subject.

So other than that the only backsliding I did was after a walk. We're having a heat wave and were both were sweaty and uncomfortable after the walk so he told me I could shower at his place. When I was looking for deodorant I found a tube of mascara, a brand I never use. HER mascara.

I felt so angry in that moment. Why would he still have that in his bathroom? Was it, like, a trophy? Was he waiting to give it back to her? Telling her she could come and pick it up herself?

I wished I could call the DB coach and ask what to do. Frankly, I wished I could shove the mascara up OW's ass.

I decided the DB Coach would probably advise me not to mention it to him, because it would appear that I'd been snooping when I was not and what purpose would it serve except to put him on the spot?

So I put on a pretend face when I came out of the bathroom but he could tell. He kept asking me what was wrong and I finally told him. I apologized for looking for deodorant and told him I found the mascara and knew it was hers. He got defensive, said that it was left behind during a situation that was more innocent than I was imagining. AND... he wasn't going to talk about it.

I asked him how come he didn't throw it out if he was truly done with her. He said didn't know, that he just forgot about it.

I told him I hate it that she is still in our lives because he still has to work with her. He says he doesn't even think about her romantically or sexually because their relationship is "so over. Months and months ago, Nitty! I can't barely remember it anymore." He said he was not ever going to talk about her or any of the other women but that it would never happen again.

Maybe he can barely remember how much in love he was with the OW, but I remember very well him telling me how she was the most precious thing in his life and his only chance for happiness, and how he couldn't bear to break up with her. And if he doesn't remember why he left me, how will he know he'll not leave me again?

It was hard, but I made myself shut up.

We still have a D mediation appointment this week. In a very odd dinner conversation we were holding hands and he thanked me for "waiting" for him to get through this. And I had to ask: "Are we still getting divorced?"

He looked surprised and said we could cancel mediation "if we want to." I'm hoping we'll just do conflict resolution as a form of marriage counseling but I didn't say that. I'm not going to tell him to cancel it or not. He initiated it. It's up to him to stop it.

I don't know what to do or how to proceed so I'm making my way carefully, just focusing on one day at a time. Reconciliation is what I've wanted more than anything, but this is not how I imagined it to be. Like, I'm still taking care of his emotional state, holding my tongue when all I want to do is ask questions and discuss what happened. But I have my eye on the long-term prize and I must not get resentful.

I find myself concerned that I did the right thing. Today I was thinking about how all the GALing I've been doing has been a lot of fun, and I won't be GALing if I'm back with him, right? No! I will still GAL! But invite him along... and if he doesn't want to go?

And what if OW makes a play for him again? Is he going to be ready for that? And what was with all the hostility of the last months? Will I have to walk on eggshells, worried about it starting up again?

I won't think about that today. I'll think about it if it happens. One day at a time.