I love the daily affirmation idea! Why are we ladies not all in the same state where we could actually get together? It would be so much fun to GAL with others who are going through the same thing...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I don't know why I am how I am. Sometimes I feel like there's a really important part of me that's missing, that I'm core-less and made up of reactions. The person you all praise so much is somebody I built on purpose so the reactions I get from others would match my preferred idea of myself. Is that me? I guess so, because I built that self on purpose with specific values in mind. But I don't KNOW it.
But I can't get all those pieces. I can get the compassion, I can get the clearly, closely watching others, and I do sincerely care that what I say is helpful. I can't get the parts where I feel like I'm as smart as I "ought" to be -- because "smart" is one of the stories other people tell about me that I feel can't be true or simple things would be simpler. Also I know of myself that I am smart in some ways and that I have a really hard time with other kinds of smart... So of course I devalue what I have. Which I guess is kind of human.
It is HARD to get rid of the idea of "ought." It's not serving me, so it's got to go. I just need to figure out what to replace it with.
Great stuff here, you're getting closer to your core, you're finding Maybell. This is reactions I get from others would match my preferred idea of myself is important, I think.
We all tend to mold ourselves some of it's good, some of it's not so good. I've learned to be very aware of my facial expressions. It was a way I learned as a child to try and get what I needed or wanted without asking verbally. It was early manipulation. But if I hadn't really asked and didn't get it, it seemed less painful. I could lie to myself that it wasn't really important and no one knew because I hadn't really asked for whatever it was.
That progressed to showing displeasure in the same way, rolling the eyes, the "you are so stupid you're not worth my time" look, boredom, ignoring. When someone calls you on it you can always say,"Oh you misunderstood, that's not what I meant." Yeah, right.
So I never learned to ask for what I needed but I learned to devalue myself. I learned that my needs weren't important, in fact I learned that I shouldn't have needs.(I don't think it's normal to devalue ourselves) I created P/A ways of trying to get what I wanted or needed because I didn't value myself, so why would anyone else.
Fear, all fear, of rejection, not being good enough, smart enough, fast enough, not loveable. W put up lots of walls to protect that tender core. Our vulnerable self.
As I pay closer attention to those small things, I see other ways in which I'm projecting a false self to the world.
This may not related directly to what you wrote but it clicked in my head.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, as we say in AlAnon.
Last edited by labug; 09/15/1402:54 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
