Ok, so, the mirrors....(takes in a suuuuuuper deeeeeeep breath....)
I completely get what you felt with the xh and mother mirrors. I do exactly that. I don't even know who the real me is.
I was told by many in my family, that I lost who I was with H#1. I became so insecure. I hid. It was bad. I lost my voice, my opinion, and I seriously thought near the end, I was losing my mind. At work, I owned and ran a successful business for 14 years. I made huge decisions, had 12 employees, and a rather nice sized following of business. At home? I was viewed as too incompetent to load a dishwasher.
When I met current H, that was one of the biggest positive things I heard. My family said I was still myself around him, and they were relieved. He wasn't like xh at all. But...... The last 2 years, I got lost again.
When we started having problems, it was the same time when H S21 moved in. The conflicts began, and they were bad. This wasn't a typical "left his socks out" or "didn't do the dishes" kind of conflict. It was ss21 rude, inappropriate comments to me and my kids, lack of respect for all of us, including H. There were temper tantrums, and things broken. It was scary. SS was used to a physically and verbally abusive, volatile household before us. He brought that with him. I did get upset with S21 at times, but I was more frustrated with H lack of attention to it. I do not blame s21 for our marital problems. But the timing of everything changing was exactly then. The craziest things started coming out of H mouth. The most irrational explanations for protecting his S from being responsible for himself....all the rules we set for our household were out the window. Before ss21 moved in, my kids had such a tight R with H. Exceptionally great. But after, my kids and I were to blame for everything. At first, I fought back. But that made it worse. I just couldn't figure this out...it didn't make sense. Why can't we talk about this stuff? We talked about stuff before...but H absolutely could not be open to hearing anything when it came to ss21. Crazy. The result? Yep, again, I lost myself in this confusion while trying to avoid conflict, keep a peaceful household, explain the unexplainable to my kids....oh. They were not happy. But to H, this was my fault.
I went to IC. He suggested I explore my boundaries. So I did. I actually came across my notes from that time, TODAY. I wrote what I learned, and how I tried to apply it. Nothing worked. I started to think this must not be it, then... It was confusing. Some of the arguments we had got so crazy. So full of blame. I decided my new efforts were causing this problem, and.....drumroll please......you betcha......I stopped.
Why? Because I thought if only I could change, I could fix it. And that technique didn't work. So I needed to try others.
I read books like crazy. Step-parenting, relationship/marriage books, conflict resolution. communication, forgiveness, getting past your past, how to respond to blame, low self-esteem, setting boundaries with adult children....to name a few. I never chased H around the house with self-help books, though. I sometimes shared what I was learning, but I never insisted it was him. It was me. I needed to change. I took all the bullets. I made myself an easy target. I thought I could fix this if I just fixed me. Then, when it kept getting worse, I thought, well there ya go......proof. I was "unfixable."
I thought it was easier for me to take the blame and do all the changing, improving, and all the fixing. Why on earth would anyone do that? Why would I assume all the work and all the pain for both of us? That's so ridiculous.
This is the pattern we had, and it's a big reason I struggle to let go. Because I feel responsible for it all. I MADE myself responsible for it all. That's not even right. Writing this is painful.....
I'm guessing there are reasons people do this. Is it the co-dependence? Is it the fixer-personality? Is it that I'm trying to hurt myself??? It doesn't make sense, but that's what I did. ....do. I still do. Why do I do this!? And how do I stop? How do I change that kind of thinking? And if I'm such a strong person, why do I hide my strength and choose to be this?
