mlc rut

[pbetra]

Been trying to complete post but typically called away for some reason or the other!

BF - Q.>>I would ask him to contribute to the bills. If he says that he has no money, ask him what he thinks the solution should be then. I’m curious what answer he comes up with. Will he say that he expects you to cover for him?<<

Well, I asked BF! So predictable - "no money" (I believe it too). I could see that it's all 'blown'(!), h has not been clubbing too much recently. I suspected when I realized he's home nights. Can attend private events/parties but all night nightclubs etc are costly. His eyes were red (& sad). I assumed that this may have to do with overall 'condition,' withdrawal re: alcohol etc (?) 'out there,' lack of sleep' ... the eh 'lifestyle' Or maybe it just was being 'grilled' by me as perceived by him

H can't think of a 'solution' right now btw (I was not entirely surprised). It was as if he was dumbfounded. A few hundred $ should pop up in a few months so I will revisit & try to claim before its all gone ... Anyway, after telling me that he has no $ "in the world right now"... related like a bit the 'sob story,' I said ok & ended it (remembered GGG & the amount of STFU juice to be consumed (!!) when in doubt or 'welling up. Also the need to 'stop' & /or just walk away. Sooo, I did. Did not wish to belabour the point or hear any more crap or excuses. I could feel 'my temp.' rising ...

With the past weekend behind me & after some reflection re: the last few months:, I 'modified' 2 things. 1 - sex, & 2 - altering of 'dimmer' to a little darker. h acting skills flat out confuse me (!!). He's good. I don't always trust what I see & hope I will not mess up (or haven't !!) any concealed 'baby steps' in this pile of 'mlc dung'.

Two modifications
1 - Intimacy eval:- I tried to keep this up since BD to stand 4 M./family (although frequency did become more and more erractic, also declining last few months). I read that HeartBlessing kept sex life alive during her marriage, so I tried.
I am trying to go *'cold turkey' re intimacy. Don't know if *good idea, but will see ... There is no R talk. He may eventually ask about 'sex sitch' ... or not. I will do him not 'us' for now ... I have to think of how I would handle (H is very sensitive re sex). I know he is NOT ready for R talk and do not wish to interrupt the natural mlc progression within tunnel.

2 - Dark, darker .. Had tried 'dark' at one point but maybe the time was not right (?). My sensitive h. read it as total indifference or (God knows what). HB had similar sitch where handling her h was oncerned. I had to 'correct the darkness' as I was trying to save m. Have only just started to go a little darker at this point of the MLC continuum, so I have no idea how h will respond med->long term this time around.

I got a response re 1, 2 but instinctively know that h definately cannot handle any serious discussion, in spite of his 'heighten attn.' toward me. There is constant testing to see if I will accept sex ... which I am turned off from - just feel used (so I do him, he pressures me to do us but I haven't done us since d -/decision day).

I need a break from all this before I dive into the next 6 months:

• the 'veiled' contempt (there is ongoing change with h, but! ...), AND also the disrespect shown (masked with GREAT acting. Have occasionally fallen for this. I really can't decipher sometimes)

• recent 'over interest' re sex (since 1 &2), is insulting my intelligence (h feels that by giving sexual attn. it reassures me that things are good, that I am fooled & flattered somehow - his tactic to keep relationship somewhat 'normal' until he finds 'better' ... u know, throw a 'crumb' occasionally to keep security here)

• just feeling flat out used while in survival mode ... used 4 sex when not getting through 'out there', used financially (he must despise me even more at times b/c no one likes to 'need' the person they have issues with, it compunds prob.!)

Fiinancial sitch/GAL:
I haven't been able to go out very much recently. This made h get more 'comfortable' again (but I did do hobbies, stay busy in the meantime ). He goes some days to do 'stuff' & I am here most times as I am also 'part time carer', as you read by now. This must translate to very 'domestic' b/c I have no help - If i don't take out garbage, it stays there, yard etc. This is his 'visual' of me, 'domestic'. I try to fix hair etc. and many times, I keep things up but other times, I simply feel really very drained. This reality in addition to looking at the past 6 months made me question how to approach GAL re $. (Had to turn down invitation up 2 last night - too costly)

I spent a ton re: school term, & some house repairs before then (Summer) and ongoing health costs have to be budgeted for. I simply cannot go out very much right now. Have to recover some funds through saving where I can for a while.
Anyway, in an effort to go darker, I wondered what I could do. I remember just wanting to get away, or hoping h would go somewhere one day. I did NOT want to see him those few days - just felt that way. I needed to find somewhere to go.

Walk
The next day, when the part time helper arrived, I told h I had to go out. Just began to walk - I didn't know to where. This area is suburbia with quiet spots here & there. I looked for quiet but SAFE. It was there that I let my emotions free where he could not see. I cried. I thought, 'what have I come to?' ... out here with eyes peeled b/c life is funny, & in my efforts to sort things out, something bad could happen in this isolated place ... all b/c I needed to GAL re him, & get away for me. I sat under a really nice tree tho'. When I was done crying (I think from a little frustration), I took out some books. I left with my db books, so I read under this tree. I was lucky, the day was absolutely BEAUTIFUL & I soon felt better!

The quiet was eventually interrpted by a truck that had parked not too far and some construction workers. With the growing noise, I left and looked for another place to settle. Just walking ... 'Found' another tree and continued reading DBs (did the other 'db,' deep breathing in between). After a while, I was tired. Remembering to 'wear' my PMA, I went back home. H was there - I thought he was gone for most of day to his buddies or 'something' & was surprised that he was back. The helper said he returned shortly after I left! (Whew!)

H was 'happy' to see me (big surprise here, so predictable ). Curious. Chatty - asked me to come (!) to guest room after putting my things away (this was off limit zone, need for 'space'!). We just talked ... for quite a while! Very chatty. Next day, h approached re intimacy. I declined. Later that day, was awakened during night (!) re 'more urgent' intmacy, all frisky & 'ready to go' (whaa ?!!) ... 'did him' (no 'penny'). More (!) chatting next day ... all tender, ... touchie that day. I was nice but kept my distance.

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha
Every day, I'd find an errand to run (or 'walk'). Although it's tiring, I did it. Sometimes just a walk to feel what I need to - freely or pop into drug store .. anything. h has been warmer, touches here & there. I know that he has sensed that I am indifferent re sex. He is pursuer again (go figure), so the two things brought about this slight change in behaviour (ie my change re sex + leaving for MOST of day, practically every day - being busy). Been roaming like a nomad!! Will back on the road again /like Willie N. sang ... Leaving and not knowing where I would end up! Tired but remembering to return all PMA outwardly even if inwardly 'busted' ... I think that another poster 2Bhappy (?) don't think it was BF, said similar (about tired of having to go somewhere). H will not be able to take the 'neglect' /sex much longer. Would be interesting to see reaction. I imagine he will distance himself in anger ... or 'in depression'.

H overall demeanor in comp. to the many months seems a 'bit' improved. However, I have not outruled the possibility of 2-faced action. That is talking on phone negatively like a teen so that the 'saviour buddies' could come out to rescue him - inviting him to parties, bar b ques, 'meet ups'/events here, there & everywhere b/c he needs to get away from me - the enemy. Its all SOS! On the other side, he's singing another tune here. I cannot recall if I mentioned that a 'caller' (one of the new 'gang' of friends who he spent time with last last weekend), offered some sort of apt. solution. The caller was obviously sympathic to h 'suffering in silence' here, having no options but to suffer. Interestingly, h turned it down! I guess he won't get a doormat there - maid service & a cook etc etc ETC!!!).

I understand the mlcer experiences mixed feelings as they really do not know what 2 do. He's been reaching out (!!?? what? ) ALL week. 'Reassuring touching', stroking/face etc. I even got a kiss (!) goodbye like old times recently. Sadly, I do not trust anything b/c I know that even if (by some FLUKE) he feels something, that even h also doesn't know WHY, & it won't last. I suspect his reactions are self serving. I suppose it's selfishness & survival at the core for him right now - h has been hinting at needing toiletries, new casual flats b/c current ones are old ... car stuff (for a car that is used to take others out - up to recently when I was left behind just 'feelintg' the excitement & knowing I was not part of it - I would have liked to go! (am not afraid or too proud to admit that, as I go from one 'to do' list to the next). Thought bubble > "Buy your own car stuff!" (Im saving to get my own car next year or 2). The house is warm. I pay lights for household, utilities etc which benefits everyone. He should get his own toiletries etc. Also hinting at holiday party (we had a lovely one last year when we were a family). He invited the people he met, their connections etc, or networked with. I planned, decorated and cooked my favorite Holiday recipes! The holidays will be different .. but I hope to make it good for me & munchkin, "c".

Child, (c)
So here I am, still standing after 6 months, & now 're-standing,' embarking on the next cycle of doing all, paying all. Geriatric care, mother to acting out c. and discarded, used 'w' & enemy. My child/'c.' grew clearly scared when I casually responded to him (child had remarked that h seemed to be "having more fun but not w/us" a few months ago. It was an observation he made when he saw h talking & laughing with others in general). I said "maybe we could just let dad go w/his new friends for while .. to have fun, figure out what he likes?" vaguely, jokingly, light-heartedly ... something to that effect. For awhile??!! What was I thinking? c didn't like it at all! "Wants the family together" blah blah blah ... face getting red with emotion, eyes 'welling up' - I had to reassure immediately! c had been through this a year ago with the last loss event. There has been a lack of stabilty for many years. I saw the fear re: c with possibility of yet another life event - the possible loss of dad this time. Realizing it was too much as c has barely gotten over other events, I HAD TO remedy this one 'real quick'. Lots of hugs (!), kisses, TLC, PMA ... time together and talking.

I would like c. to 'stabalize' a little more - to be less sensitive, needy, insecure. Very self conscious child as well. Wish c could have t NOW. I want t. (!!) for myself of course, but as an adult I still have 'outlets' like these. I can vent here, I can read books on midlife, depression, etc I can help myself as an adult until I can do better. Sometimes, I don't feel that I am helping c enough. Lots of love & support - hope it's 'enough' ... so impressionable.

btw - apart from db books, got Conway, some on depression, Susan Anderson's, Journey From Abandonment To Healing on the the way etc! Also bought one of recommendations, Ackerman's Silent Sons (written 'by a man, for and about men,' for c.'s 21st birthday ) should I pass. I have signed it & will leave it for his 'future self' (c. is primary school age but it might be a good read going into 1/4 life ;0). I do not want 1/4 life or mlc to rob c. of peace in future if I can help in multiple, little ways NOW.

I will end here (finally after many attempts! ) c is talking to me & I can't really really really really (etc)... hear my self think! pb
(can't re-check now, sorry re any typos)