I don't know why I am how I am. Sometimes I feel like there's a really important part of me that's missing, that I'm core-less and made up of reactions. The person you all praise so much is somebody I built on purpose so the reactions I get from others would match my preferred idea of myself. Is that me? I guess so, because I built that self on purpose with specific values in mind. But I don't KNOW it.
But I can't get all those pieces. I can get the compassion, I can get the clearly, closely watching others, and I do sincerely care that what I say is helpful. I can't get the parts where I feel like I'm as smart as I "ought" to be -- because "smart" is one of the stories other people tell about me that I feel can't be true or simple things would be simpler. Also I know of myself that I am smart in some ways and that I have a really hard time with other kinds of smart... So of course I devalue what I have. Which I guess is kind of human.
It is HARD to get rid of the idea of "ought." It's not serving me, so it's got to go. I just need to figure out what to replace it with.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
