Thanks, Ss. I took your advice the other night and did not reach out. H ended up mentioning it during an unrelated phone call the next day, but it's fine now.
So, H was supposed to reach out by this past Friday to schedule our next date night. As of Friday morning he still hadn't said anything about it, and I was getting nervous. I've noticed that I don't trust him to follow through with planning/scheduling, based on past experience. (See my post from Labor Day about the appointment with the MC.) Rather than give him the opportunity to fail, I will reach out before the deadline and make sure that things are still on track. I imagine that this can seem like nagging to him.
On Friday morning, I decided to try a subtle nudge. I sent an email asking if we could talk later in the day about our schedule for next week -- specifically our MC session and D7's activities. H wrote back and said we could talk about those things and our date night. Whew, he remembered!
On Friday evening he called me on his way home from work. We ended up talking for about an hour, and it was a good conversation. The MC can't see us for another 2 weeks. I suggested that we have another go at discussing the remaining action steps that we didn't get to last Saturday. H agreed, and asked if we could meet today, which I said was fine. H asked where I'd like to go, and I suggested that he just come over to my house. He hesitated, but said that he was willing to give it a try.
So, this afternoon he came over and we talked for about an hour. We decided to tackle the "exit strategy" idea first, in case we needed it later in the conversation. (We didn't!) I suggested a discussion strategy that I'd recently read about, and H agreed to try it. (Essentially, we shared how we felt about the problem first before we tried to solve it.)
Some interesting take aways:
1. H said that he feels like we've come a long way in our R (not since the S, but in general). He just feels like the last "6 inches" is the hardest part. I said that it sounded like he was saying that if we could get through this rough patch, we would be okay. He said yes, that's true. I said that I felt the same way. We jokingly started referring to the rough patch as our "Agro Crag." (Bonus points if you know what that is!)
2. The more we talk, the more I realize that we're not as far apart as I'd believed. I mentioned this to H, and he said that he never felt like we were that far apart. (This seemed to go hand in hand with the "last 6 inches" comment.)
3. H said that he feels we have a fundamental difference in that I feel that I "need" emotional support, but he doesn't believe that I have the "right" to demand it from him. I told him that I understood why he wasn't in a position to give me emotional support now, but that eventually, if our R is restored, I think it would be reasonable to expect his emotional support. H agreed, but said that we are "in the infancy" of restoring our R, and that I can't expect complete emotional support. I again told him that I understood, as long as the long-term goal was to provide emotional support to one another, and he agreed that it is. Yet, I get the sense that he still sees disagreement here, when I see us as being on the same page. What am I missing?
4. H asked me what I needed in an exit strategy. I told him that I would like him to acknowledge that he knows the discussion is important to me and to tell me when we can talk about it in a kind and considerate manner. H said that by the time he's ready to exit a conversation, he's out of compassion for me, which makes it difficult for him to be kind and considerate. H also said that he doesn't recognize when he's out of patience before it happens, so he's not able to exit the conversation before it gets to that point (although he did say that he would try to be more self-aware). So, we agreed on a code phrase that is supposed to be a stand-in all of those things. (It's based on an in-joke from early in our R, so it feels very "us" to me.) H also agreed that when he ends a conversation in this way, he will reach out to me within 24 hours to let me know when we can talk about it again.
5. H feeling controlled is limited almost entirely to having conversations that he doesn't want to have, so the exit strategy will help with this. We agreed that if he feels controlled for some other reason he will express, and we will stop and dialogue about it.
6. We agree that we are in a trial and error phase, and that we'll talk about how we're doing and make adjustments as needed.
Afterward, we ML and he left. We tentatively set our date night for Friday, but he is going to call and let me know for sure tomorrow. Oh, and early in the conversation he mentioned that he had a gift for me, but it was in the car. We both forgot about it, but I'm curious to know what it is!
So, I feel good about how I handled everything today and where we are in the process. Patience has never been a virtue of mine, but I'm finding the more I'm asked to be patient, the more patient I can be.
