need to GAL

[hope224]

I think I did. I told him he was a great dad even when he doubted himself. But, maybe he has a different recollection. We had a rough time financially since we moved when I was pregnant and I had no idea our marriage was spiraling out of control. But, after the baby it seemed that he was helping out with baby and I would comment on how happy I was that he bonded with the baby so well. I was so happy and had no idea what thoughts were lurking in his head. Fast forward 2 months after the baby, we moved back to the state we moved away from so he could work out of town and provide for us. I kept telling him that I really appreciated how hard he worked for us. But, H has history for depression and anxiety, his while family has it. And no he won't admit it or see a doctor for it. Then about 2 months after working out of town, we had an argument about something stupid and I moved my stuff to the other room since I was so angry. I don't even rmb. Then he just lost it and told me it was over and he was done. He told me on the phone that he keeps thinking all day at work about negative things even though they have not happened and gets mad at me. And I had been so exhausted looking after the infant, I probably missed all signs. He keeps telling me it's because he wanted the Bachelor life before he met me and when he met me he thought he didn't need it. But after he found out I used to hook up with some guys, he thought I framed him into marrying me. So, i guess it made his vows invalid and the love we had was conditional.
The things I probably did wrong g were:
1) compare myself with my friends success.he has been working at a job he hates for almost 8 years. I have tried not to push him into anything since I didn't want him to feel pressured.but, I have a college degree and done nothing with it since I got pregnant.
2) he complained we didn't do anything together, that I wasn't as fun. He wants to go drinking every weekend. I told him I was pregnant but he insists it was before being pregnant that I became that way.
3) we didn't do much intimacy wise, but again I was pregnant and I feel as though I did try to make time for us time. We would often take showers together.
4) he said I changed after getting married. I think I've been forced to change certain aspects but I'm still very career driven as i was when I met him.

Despite all this, I know he has mentioned he wants to have physical relations with other girls, he has suggested open relationship and a three some during the initial period he brought up the divorce word. I begged and pleaded tried to bargain so he would not give up on the M. He agreed since I cried so much but I knew he just said it to calm me down. So, I can't even figure out what went wrong. He has already moved on. He told me he didn't want to date for a while and just hook up with people. But, he obviously went on a date yesterday. And the gut wrenching part is that he kissed me and initiated intimacy the night before. But today, I had a panic attack. What if he has an std. He told me he hadn't been with anyone and I should trust him hut his track record isn't great anymore. But, this is mistake on my part. His OW is a Russian girl who is here to work on vacation and it's known that they work in that area as strippers and what not at night. So it worries me even more that he may accidentally transit hpv or something to the baby. Earlier today, I told him that he needs to get tested for stds before he kisses the baby and he told me he only has a sore throat.
I have already detached from him physically. I don't cry infront of him. I'm usually happy and chirpy when I see him too. Even when he gets moody, I don't let it affect me or I leave. I have a job that i just started so I'm helping him pay bills. But I don't want to since he is spending money on strippers and driving and hotel and gas and buying food for OW while I'm here buying things for baby.

Ok now I'm just rambling. I'm trying to read some other forums too, to help with 180s. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me.thanks for the input. I can't really talk to anyone else.