Hey Dave, I am jumping into this conversation a little late. But I wanted to tell you that, in the course of resolving our sex problems, my H and I had the same exact conversation that you had with your wife: with him asking me exactly what that meant. He wanted details and quotas and things that I wasn't prepared to list out! For me, sexuality is something that is present in me all the time, just waiting for the right moment to get out.
I think that for H, though, he had lost such complete touch with his sexuality that he didn't have the first clue about how to go about all of a sudden showing passion towards me. The thought gave him panic attacks, I'm sure.
So I listed some simple things that I felt would have a lot of impact on our relationship--starting points, if you will. And at some point (well over a year into it) he started going above and beyond this, all on his own. Once he had started the ball rolling, he found it easier and easier to BE the man I wanted.
Plus, I think that....upon hearing the words that I was desperately unhappy with our love life, he just sank into insecurity and anxiety (if he wasn't already there previously). I believe that he began to build up, in his mind, what I was after and had himself all but convinced that he was not capable of delivering "that". I hear a lot of LD women (in real life, not so much on this board) who needlessly compare themselves to porn queens. Saying things like: If he expects me to act like a porn star, he needs to think again! This is insecurity speaking here. They are afraid to show themselves sexually for fear that it won't be enough, or that their hyper-sexed husbands will laugh at their offerings.
Which is why your wife asked for a list. A rather complete list, too.
But instead of delivering it to her so that she can basically paint by numbers, I think that it is wiser to give her a VERY SIMPLE set of guidelines to START with. Let her take it from there.
Here is what I told H:
1. I wanted some sexual attention outside the bedroom. Notice when I make an effort to look nice (which I always do). 2. Kiss me outside the bedroom. 3. Give me LONG hugs, with wandering hands, when we have the opportunity. 4. Make love at least twice per week, with no more than 3 days between sessions. (in other words, he wasn't allowed to "save" his duty for the weekend and give it to me twice then.)
That's it. Kisses, hugs, actual sex 2x per week, and tell me I look nice (preferably tell me I look HOT, but hey I know what he means.)
This list is now a thing of the past because he has gone so far over and above it that it is not necessary anymore to reference it whatsoever. He feels much more comfortable with himself and is able to show his sexuality in ways I never thought possible. So there is hope! (now he is still "shy" compared to you HD guys, but I am happy and satisfied with his efforts and that's all that matters).
