Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Such a lot of pain. I'm finally starting to see the depths of my Ws pain. I can see it through my own pain.

See, I look back at my posts. I didn't believe anyone was more committed than me. But you can only hurt so long and some damage cannot be repaired. What my STBX is doing now in a fog isn't part of what brought down our R. Much of that was me. But the things she has done are beyond hurtful.
-Criticizing me to her friends and family, sharing intimate details I wish she'd respect are private and then presenting only the negatives. For any women that do this ill tell you It feels the same as if I recorded a love making session then watched it with some friends and laughed at how out of shape she or frigid she was.
-she knows sex was my LL and she was distant for years. Now she dumps me and is playing the field. I may know she is just trying to feel better but it hurts to see her seemingly care more about her flings the. Her H.
-her never ending ocean of resentment. It's as abusive as anything she can accuse me of.
-finally, walking away from the marriage altogether. We're all here for a reason. Enough said. What a betrayal.

So why so focused on me? Because at this moment I can't see a way past it. It's not that I wouldn't want to trust/love/forgive, but she's getting very close to finding her way on the 'dead to me' list and becoming just an extra in my life movie.

So if I feel this way after a few months of this post separation behavior when I can expect it, no wonder she is so hurt by my years of damage during a marriage. It helps me have compassion when all I want to do is protect myself.

I would have given up but Bond said one using anger to disconnect isn't detachment not is it healthy. It looks like I have to ignore my heart which is dying for me to protect myself in pain.

But though I can see the amount of pain I caused her, I have a hard time focusing on what I've done. It's like I blocked it out and said 'that wasn't really me' only it was. Some of the things ive done i would never do again. Others i still struggle with. How do I trust myself to be in an R ever again? Why don't they teach this in school?!? I'm all over the map but bleeding a little in my heart. No specific question, but anyone have any inspiration?