Sit away from him. Make no eye contact. Ignore any texts from him. Just watch the game and plan a quick exit. I think something has to give here with these games. It's not good for you or the kids.
There's nothing wrong with giving yourself distance from his crazy. In the words of Monty Python..."Run away, RUN AWAY!!"
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mighty, why is it you feel like you shouldn't have unloaded?
Quote:
why does he want to rub it in and make me feel worse
I suppose you may never know the "why" but you do know the what. That leaves you with the option of acting on the what.
He's hurt you. He hurt the kids. He would turn the kids against you if he could. He obviously is ok with hurting you, or doesn't know any better how to handle things. He's moving in down the street with the new family and new life.
While that may make you uncomfortable, it's not all bad. I know from experience. It has more to do with you and how you handle things and how you perceive them. To that end, getting your feelings out is a good idea if you ask me.
It's not like you're going to let him back into your life, right?
As for the kids - they need your help. With a father like that, one who doesn't know how to handle himself let alone his kids, they need to learn how to deal with it and let that anger out. It's important. For you and the kids.
So if you have to vent that anger where it belongs, don't feel sorry about it. Don't think it's going to change him. Don't keep doing it for very long as it keeps you connected in an unhealthy way. But it's not something to feel sorry about. It's long overdue, don't you think?
Keep it to your H only. Even the OW and her mom are not the targets - just the symptoms.
I've been in your shoes (to some degree) and I can tell you that you do need to help your kids. And you need to let it out and then walk away before it consumes you. I've been there too and almost lost my job during that time.
Don't let his actions bring you down. Don't pay for it the rest of your life, Mighty.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I just got here. Sitting down a ways from where "we" would normally sit. Ahh.. Thanks Heather. I'm just gonna enjoy it. I love football and it's s's senior yr.
((Mighty )). He didn't "win" anything m he is a jerk. You lapsed momentarily. You are human. Get through today and then when you are away from the situation you can think if there is a way to avoid these run ins at future games.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
"Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives."
First, I'm OK! But I have to thank all of you who helped me get through today. I would have been much more upset months ago, and trust me, I was/am upset, but even for being "out of control" I regrouped quicker. Even though I still am...
Heather, you kept me in check! THANK YOU! When you said there is an army of LBSers behind me, I laughed out loud, and it really did make me feel so much better! You were there right away, thank goodness. It was quite an eventful day.
Originally Posted By: AJM
While that may make you uncomfortable, it's not all bad. I know from experience. It has more to do with you and how you handle things and how you perceive them. To that end, getting your feelings out is a good idea if you ask me.
AJ, how I've missed you. Something about your posts... they are always very striking to me. You just get it and have insight to things that I tend to skim over. You shine a spot light on things and keep it real for me. You have a very healthy mindset, and I dig it.
What you posted above.... so right on. I'm getting it. I know that I have begun to slightly and sllllooooooowwwwwlllllyyyy learned to alter my perception. It was like when I was in the meeting the other day and looked at xh as an outsider. What a different perception than my own mixed up, codependent, tainted, manipulated view. I have been getting better, but I do have a long way to go. It is what helped me a lot through db. I would think things like, "OK, if he wants me, he will come get me. I can't make him, nor would I want to make him." Looking at things like that helped me move forward.
After the nuke, it has been a little different. I just have so much turmoil. I think that I have looked at things still that way, somewhat. You know, like move on, he has a family. I will be better off. (Very general here, but you get the drift, right?). Anyway, I think that there is still just so much hurt and anger that I just don't know what the heck to do with it.
Once the truth was revealed, he was already gone. He was out of the house and with her. I think for a lot of people, when infidelity is discovered, spouses have the opportunity to (for lack of a better word) yell at their cheating spouse. They can show their anger and hurt. I know, anti db, but I think that it does come out. For me, he was gone. He was with her, and when he told me, it was like an exchange. I was out, she was in.
I couldn't even call him because in one second- I was done. SHE would have been upset for me to talk to him. I don't care what she thinks, but THEY were committed and my feelings didn't matter anymore. So it was never really addressed. And the extend of infidelity is crazy. I mean, so much, so soon. A whole new family- with the drop of a hat. OK, OK, I don't mean to sound so repetitive. We all know the deal.
But, the anguish I feel seems like it is starting to really surface. I am OK, I don't want anyone to think I am like majorly freaking out or anything. But I have my moments, like today. That is why I am afraid to see her. I wouldn't hurt her or anything like that, but I cant imagine what is going to happen to me inside.
So, AJ, you are right on many levels. I need to work on my perception. I need to find a way to be OK with them living where they are. I need to find a way to release them. I am just not sure how to do that yet. I definitely don't want to carry this around. I am a total smart @ss. I don't know if that is good or not. I make myself laugh, but I don't want THAT to be my lifetime joke. I already feel like a joke. I don't like that I feel like a joke. I do like to tell them, not be one.
I do need to get this out. My purge on him the other day was good. I felt better. I do think he though about it. But here is another thing, do I think these things for self preservation? Do I have these thoughts to make it hurt less for me? Do I think about him in a way that he is miserable and not happy because it makes it easier for me? (that sounds so sick and twisted- but it is the way I feel!)
AJ, how did you do that? How did you make an uncomfortable sitch like this and ease it? What was your perception, if I may ask? Or how could I pertain it to my own thinking?
You are right about the kids. AND, I never even thought about that- him turning the kids on me. It would never happen, but I bet you are right! I think in his own sick mind, he has this crazy plan and totally thought he could manipulate it how he wanted. And he surly though he could buy them. Interesting, because he mentioned before, many months ago, (before separation agreement) that he would not be paying cs for s17 soon (even though he hadn't started) because he'd be 18 and d would just move in with him. Then he said he would bankrupt me if he wanted. (which I don't even know how he thinks he could, he works in a bank and has given himself unrealistic power) and d would NEVER live with him (and he pays cp till 21). I just didn't get it, nor did I get the anger, but it's par for the course.
I will not deal with this for the rest of my life. No way. I just want it to stop and go away. I don't have visions of revenge or anything. I'm not spiteful or any of that. I just have this turmoil that comes up. It comes at anytime, and I am struggling with it. I am not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it. I will get there, I just need to keep working at it.
You guys are a tremendous help. Thank you. I will forever be grateful.
I have lots to do to keep me busy, and I have to get it done, but I also have to get in some QT with football!
Real quick, something I thought about from the past two days. Friday d had a game. I sat with my d's former softball coach. We talked through the whole game. We are friends (he is married and I am friends with his wife too, but talk to him more. His wife was there, but sitting in a different location. They never sit together- I don't ask...) Anyway, in the past, that would have made xh very upset. He was very insecure. XH sat down a ways, and was out of there very quickly. Whatever.
Saturday, when bil and xh came back to the 2nd volleyball game, I was sitting with the same friend. And due to limited seating and bil, they sat next to my friend. About 30 seconds after they sat down, my friend left. He had to go see his other d at a different gym, but the timing was funny (and it was probably to tense then for anyone!)
Saturday at football. About halfway through the game, one of my son's friend from another town and his dad came and sat with me. He is d and xh knows that. XH does not really know this guy, just knows who he is. But it was funny that they were there and sat with me. Almost looks like I invited them or something (since they don't even live here).
XH probably didn't notice, I am sure he doesn't care. But, just knowing how those things used to bother him, I wonder if deep down it still does? Ehh... whatever....
Sooooooo.... Update....
I was told by someone xh confided in that he was talking about how I really laid into him this week. And that he said he thinks he has hit rock bottom.
Things that make you go hmmmm........
What will he do from here? Try to reach out to kids is my thought. I know that is what is really messing him up. He THOUGHT he had it figured out.
Yup. They DO hear what we say, don't they?! And what we say DOES matter to them. I figured he listened. Sounds just like my H. Have a great day Mighty!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
