Good job, Dave. Sounds like you are doing things right. I know that the pace of improvement can seem glacial at times, and that our patience can seem like we are totally cool with things the way they are, but patience is a good thing to an LD person. I'm thinking that patience with gentle encouragement of positive steps is a better thing. Patience, gentle encouragement of positive steps, and working on your own self-image is even better.
See, the thing is about such lists (humorous as they are), is that it makes the whole thing seem like a chore. I would rather just not bother w/ sex if it is to be such a chore for the W. just forget it. that's actually the LAST thing we want. and if that's the only way an LDW will see the book, I'm sorry I bought it.
That is the million dollar question. To have a fullfilling sex life, it must NOT be a chore. But for LD/ND spouses, sex is ALWAYS a chore. And if it is a chore, they will NOT be able to maintain a level that is enjoyable to the HD spouse. None of us HD spouses wants maintenance sex, we all want to have sex with someone that COMPLETELY enjoys it. So how do we get the LD spouse to WANT/DESIRE sex? That seems to me to be the ONLY solution to this problem. If they have to work at it, then they most likely will STOP trying in the long run.
There's a concept that my wife and I subscrribe to wholeheartedly when doing anything new...
"Fake it 'till you make it"
Which means that a repetitive motion will become instict. She wants the list to see the things that she can put into a reprotoire that will eventually become natural. At least that's what I'm hoping. If it doesn't work...then I'm going to have to re-adjust my plan.
I really liked the list when I read it at first. However, as the forum's unofficial legal consultant, I want to warn you that anything you have reduced to writing may be used against you. Some jesting here, but just think if everything goes south, and you end up divorced, is the list something that you don't mind the Judge seeing?
No charge for the advice, and it's worth every penny you paid for it.
cac4, That's basically what I went through for the past 4 years...I convinced myself that I would rather not mess with sex. Guess what....it doesn't work...eventually you go freaking nuts and end up rationalizing the idea of an affair, then you freak out, read some books, then start posting messages here because you were too quiet to make a stink early on.
Here's my metaphor of the day....
Suppose your relationship is like 5-time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong, you notice that one of your nuts is swollen (a desire deficiency)...a seemingly minor, irritating problem. Compared to the strength of the rest of the body, this is of minor significance because it's a slight pain and you can ignore because you are tough. Then one day, it gets too painful to ride your bike anymore...the little swolen nut is crippling the entire body. So you go to find out what the problem is and while you might think that simply fixing the nut will solve everything, you discover that it represents an even bigger problem (in his case cancer) that will kill the whole body if its ignored. So now it requires looking at the entire body and figuring out if the cancer has spread to other areas. You begin treatments which make you even sicker but you really want to live so you keep fighting.
hairdog, Well, unless they find the one I posted here, they will never see it. I destroyed it. But that's a good point because we have a neighbor who ended up using emails in their D. I think that there is some sincere love, outreach and effort in that letter, and I really wouldn't care if a judge saw it. If this was a letter to my mistress, that would be a problem in court but luckily I don't have a mistress...hmmm...am I?
