Awakening

[tonibertha]

I'm not very good about posting on here frequently. In spite of my desire to, I just get too busy to come on here most days.

Anyway, last month, I had quite a few guys asking me to date them. I was tempted to date one that I perceived to be really serious about me, who i've known since 2012. He is always checking up on me (every single day), just to see how i'm doing, even while accepting that i'm not yet ready to date.


I asked H if we could make a final decision about what to do about our marriage. We have been separated for nearly three years now, and I really would like to move on with my life, with or without him.

He thought about it and decided that he would like to move in with me and try to make things work. I agreed, and it was decided that he would move in next week, as my mum has been visiting, and she just left two days ago (my flat is really small).

He is supposed to bring some things over today. Yesterday, he sent me a text asking me for a loan. I refused, as he already owes me £500, and has not paid any of it back, in spite of my asking for the last couple of months.

I have not heard anything negative from him, but it just brought back all my feelings of financial and emotional insecurity from when we lived together before.

i have been crying since yesterday afternoon. cried myself to sleep, woke up this morning, and surprisingly started crying again. i'm really worried about exposing myself to all his vindictive manipulations again.

i can't help feeling like my subconscious is trying to tell me that going back into the marriage is not a good decision. guess i just have to wait and see what happens with us, and try to manage things as we go along.

kinda feels like i'm saying goodbye to my sense of peace tho....