I'm posting partly to journal, and partly to keep myself from reaching out to H. I made it through this day.
I know, based on the whole crazy sitch, this doesn't make sense. But I really really wanted to ask H how his move went today. WWHHHAAAAAATTTT????? Yeah. I know. Don't worry, I didn't. But, it was hard not to. I wanted to check in. I wanted to know he was ok. I wanted to know if it was real, in a way. I wanted to drive by the house, and see if it was dark. I didn't. I'm trusting this is the right thing to do, even though it felt wrong for me to not check on him.
Then words from this board stopped me.
If I am always there offering help and fixing, he can't do what he needs to do. It becomes about me, and whether I can fix it for him. I'm a distraction. He doesn't want to be married to me right now, and I heard him. He knows I love him. He has to do this. He knows how to reach me. Let him lead. Let him go. Let him walk his journey. Love him enough to let him. This is his journey. I have my own to walk. And, apparently, a mirror to look into.... (Cue a couple more kicks and screams.)
Another thing I realized, is the message that it sends, if I'm always there fixing and checking. It sends the message that I don't think he's capable of doing things himself. He may not be now. But he has to get there in his time, in his way. Not mine. I HURT for him like nothing I've ever felt. I've seen him so low. I love him so much. But, there isn't a dang thing I can do. Ouch.
The word "can't" was jokingly referred to as a "swear word" in my house. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to say "can't". The quote from Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't.... You're right." I lived by that. And I could do almost everything. If not, I figured it out. I just had to learn how. Had to. I'm only 5'4" and I can change a tire, fix computers, paint, draw, build, problem solve, negotiate, network, I rock at puzzles, I taught myself how to do an aerial cartwheel cuz it looked cool, I taught myself to write with both hands when I was 10...(ok, that was totally nerdy), knit, sew, French braid, cook, dance...EVERYTHING. If I wanted to know, I learned. I achieved everything I have ever set as a goal. Personal, business, family..... The formula worked.
But it doesn't work here. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. Or, if you're T, "Fix this, I can't."
That thought makes me mad. But this isn't a business thing, or a goal I can just plan and do. This is big stuff, and I'm not God.
And I have SSSOOOOOOOOOO much more to learn.
There was another part of me that saw a different perspective after hearing those words in my head. I want H to not have me check on him, because this is an especially tough thing, and a big change for him. I wanted him to have every opportunity to feel all that. That was not in any way wishing H pain. I do not. I wish him the experience of the lesson. I'm staying out of his way so he can learn it. I just really wanted him to have that lesson hit tonight. Time will tell....
