Let me just tell you about my day because... well, wow!
at 7:30 this morning H texts me asking me if I could meet he and D at starbucks with her medication at 9:30. I agree.
I meet them and we hang out, chit chat about stuff, talk about a concrete visitation plan so we both can plan our lives better, etc.
This turns into me saying how I anxious I feel when I'm not with D7 and how much I miss her when she's gone, etc.
H listens and suggests options for me to have her more until I find a solid job and that he understands and doesn't want me to feel that anxiety. Wow. That was so helpful!
We chat a bit more about things here and there.
Then somehow H mentions how he needs to get a real bed for D at his place because last night the air mattress burst and blah, blah, blah. This makes me immediately think about how long all this is going to last and permanent furniture means permanent things.
I talk about how so often I just want a temperature check to see what's going through his head (with the caveat that he is under no obligation to share, I was just expressing myself) and I wanted to know if he was ok, whether he was considering our marriage at all, etc. I said all of this very casually and kept reinforcing the caveat that he need not say anything he is uncomfortable discussing right now.
He started to say that he is still "dead inside". That he harbors a lot of anger.
He said he went to see an IC but the therapist seemed to be super bitter about his own divorce and seemed very resentful and angry and didn't seem like an unbiased third party so he decided to stop seeing him after the first session. Wow.
He is seeing another IC whom he says is a little more balanced and has talked about there being no thought of considering the marriage until he has found his own happiness within himself and worked through that anger. He said the therapist theorized he had PTSD. From me. That's kind of hard to take.
My first instinct is to pooh pooh that entirely but perhaps its an insight to the damage I've done and how sensitive H really is despite my ideas. Something to look at further, even though it sounds extreme and hurts a lot.
So, H says he doesn't seem himself coming home for 6 months or much longer. I told him I completely understood because now that I knew what he was working towards it made sense.
I asked him if he felt like he could work through that anger and trauma while living at home and he said he didn't think he could. I told him I understood and could see how the space would be very helpful and that it was in fact helpful for me to see things from a distance and allow me to take ownership of my role in things.
For the first time H said he'd realized that he played a role in the demise of our marriage. I mean, he didn't say it flat out but it was enough for me to know he'd realized it.
He's angry. He's resentful.
We talked a bit about resentment and I explained how I was handling my own by trying to let it go because it was weighing me down and that holding on to it does nothing but poison my own thinking. I was just expressing my perspective and told him as much. I told him working through resentment and anger is crucial and that I supported him and respected the work he was up against in that endeavor.
We talked about what we thought were our BIGGEST problems in our marriage. I said I thought it was our mutual reactivity and lack of ANY form of resolution to any problems. He said he wasn't exactly sure but that he knows he's unwilling to be made to feel the way he was for the last few years.
I did a lot of listening, eye contact, validation not because it showed him anything but because I wanted him to feel heard. I KNOW that I wasn't ignoring his feelings anymore. It was important for me to show him and for him to feel like his words and feelings were valid and important.
After this talk at Starbucks we came back to the house and he made D lunch. He sat at the piano and played for a bit. I could always gauge his mood by what he played. A week before he moved out he played something that was so dark and sad I sat on the floor and cried. I knew he felt lost and angry and empty inside. Today's song was somber but slightly more hopeful, I think. I don't even think he noticed that but I sure did. I'm taking that as a positive sign of things.
D got changed and we headed out to the karate studio grand opening. D was signed up for a big class and I was photographing it for future advertisements and the website. It went well.
Afterwards we came back to the house. H took a nap on the couch (he said it was the best sleep he's had in 3 months) and I did some laundry while D played with the dog and her toys.
At around 4:30 I proposed we all go out to dinner just for fun. He agreed. We went to a favorite restaurant and D started to misbehave. I think she was hungry and exhausted from the heat. H came down super hard on her which is unusual but I reinforced his standards while also being able to be loving which is a dynamic I've not been afforded in the past. I've always been the regulator while he's been zoning out in the corner. This was a very nice change.
I ordered a glass of wine, he ordered the same and changed it to a bottle which I was surprised by. So, it wasn't just dinner it was DINNER. We ate, laughed, arm wrestled with D (she can almost beat me!), finished her piano homework and decided to take a walk across the shopping center to get cupcakes.
WE picked out cupcakes, watched the live band and hung out. The band dedicated a song to D (she's a music fan, is quite musically talented and was watching the drummer and bass player the whole time and the band noticed), H was showing her details of the songs they were playing (he's a composer) and all was amazing with the world in that moment.
I drove home, hugged D and off they went. He said he had a really great night and we left it at that.
I really saw it as a positive day. A day I really needed.
I understand the pain H is dealing with and I want him to deal with it faster but that isn't up to me. He needs his own time to do his thing. I can only hope through time, space and therapy that he'll see that we can be AMAZING with effort.
It was against DB principles to go in for a temp check but I feel like it was received well and very honest. I'm going to keep on working on me so that I know I am in a place that is strong enough to be who I need to be should he decide that our marriage is worth saving. That's kind of complicated but it made sense as I was typing it.
I'm reaffirming my stance to stand. I'm worth it. He's worth it. We're worth it.
