Doing all right

[LoisB]

Heather, you've been at this for how long? Do you think it just took time for you to realize that you don’t want to be married to this guy, regardless of somebody pushing you to do this? And even then, you say that “I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...” So, you are not discounting this possibility 100%. So, what gives? If he would want to come back, would you find some excuses why this time it would be better and he is not damage and worthless after all? Just asking… Just trying to understand why I have so much resistance when I get an advice “just divorce him already and everything will get in place”, and why some people welcome this kind of advice and say that they need to be “pushed”.

Bright,

First off, I really don't have an opinion on what's best for you in your situation. I respect the he!! outta anyone on this board-including you. We all know heartbreak in a profound way and we are all doing the best we can to move forward.

I'm sorry if you felt offended in any way by what I said.

Let me make this clear. I will always...ALWAYS love my husband. And, I will always consider him, in some way...my husband. I cherish the vows we took.

IF Smokey called me today and said..."I'm going to rehab. I want back in" I would, without question, support him in getting the help I feel he needs. I would try to be there for him. Would I be his wife again in the same I was before??? NOT A CHANCE. I'm different now. He would have to do some heavy lifting and deep trenching to catch up to me now.

In my case...my H has been in a relationship with another woman for 3 years now. He has virtually disappeared from our lives and caused some major financial havoc with his inconsistencies. I have been forced to take some legal action in order to protect myself and the kids.

I really believe that the vows two people take are very sacred, intimate and between those two people only. All I know is that, for me, it's been an important part of the journey for me to stand up for my rights. Smokey has struggled with substance abuse since a teenager. Addicts are fabulous manipulators and I was expertly manipulated for years and years. The distance I've maintained in the past six months or so, especially, have given me a new perspective.

This process, for me, has been about reclaiming my power...I've needed to reach a point where I stop apologizing, crying over spilt milk and get on with living my life.

I'm not saying that MY Way is the only way...But, I do think the key to this process isn't about focusing on the MLC-er...but, focusing on ourselves. I allowed someone to drive my bus for a long time...even when he was out partying, having sex with the OW, going on vacations without me, spending our money on someone else, etc...where was I?? I was home crying over my lost love.

Do I think he is worthless? Not a chance. He is one of the funniest, silliest, smartest people I ever met. Am I going to put MY life on hold any longer for someone who has made it clear as a neon sign he doesn't want me in his life? Nope.

He knows where to find me. He has my number. If and when he is ready to do the work, he can give me a call. Until then, I may just go on another date with the Forester.