"Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives."
First, I'm OK! But I have to thank all of you who helped me get through today. I would have been much more upset months ago, and trust me, I was/am upset, but even for being "out of control" I regrouped quicker. Even though I still am...
Heather, you kept me in check! THANK YOU! When you said there is an army of LBSers behind me, I laughed out loud, and it really did make me feel so much better! You were there right away, thank goodness. It was quite an eventful day.
Originally Posted By: AJM
While that may make you uncomfortable, it's not all bad. I know from experience. It has more to do with you and how you handle things and how you perceive them. To that end, getting your feelings out is a good idea if you ask me.
AJ, how I've missed you. Something about your posts... they are always very striking to me. You just get it and have insight to things that I tend to skim over. You shine a spot light on things and keep it real for me. You have a very healthy mindset, and I dig it.
What you posted above.... so right on. I'm getting it. I know that I have begun to slightly and sllllooooooowwwwwlllllyyyy learned to alter my perception. It was like when I was in the meeting the other day and looked at xh as an outsider. What a different perception than my own mixed up, codependent, tainted, manipulated view. I have been getting better, but I do have a long way to go. It is what helped me a lot through db. I would think things like, "OK, if he wants me, he will come get me. I can't make him, nor would I want to make him." Looking at things like that helped me move forward.
After the nuke, it has been a little different. I just have so much turmoil. I think that I have looked at things still that way, somewhat. You know, like move on, he has a family. I will be better off. (Very general here, but you get the drift, right?). Anyway, I think that there is still just so much hurt and anger that I just don't know what the heck to do with it.
Once the truth was revealed, he was already gone. He was out of the house and with her. I think for a lot of people, when infidelity is discovered, spouses have the opportunity to (for lack of a better word) yell at their cheating spouse. They can show their anger and hurt. I know, anti db, but I think that it does come out. For me, he was gone. He was with her, and when he told me, it was like an exchange. I was out, she was in.
I couldn't even call him because in one second- I was done. SHE would have been upset for me to talk to him. I don't care what she thinks, but THEY were committed and my feelings didn't matter anymore. So it was never really addressed. And the extend of infidelity is crazy. I mean, so much, so soon. A whole new family- with the drop of a hat. OK, OK, I don't mean to sound so repetitive. We all know the deal.
But, the anguish I feel seems like it is starting to really surface. I am OK, I don't want anyone to think I am like majorly freaking out or anything. But I have my moments, like today. That is why I am afraid to see her. I wouldn't hurt her or anything like that, but I cant imagine what is going to happen to me inside.
So, AJ, you are right on many levels. I need to work on my perception. I need to find a way to be OK with them living where they are. I need to find a way to release them. I am just not sure how to do that yet. I definitely don't want to carry this around. I am a total smart @ss. I don't know if that is good or not. I make myself laugh, but I don't want THAT to be my lifetime joke. I already feel like a joke. I don't like that I feel like a joke. I do like to tell them, not be one.
I do need to get this out. My purge on him the other day was good. I felt better. I do think he though about it. But here is another thing, do I think these things for self preservation? Do I have these thoughts to make it hurt less for me? Do I think about him in a way that he is miserable and not happy because it makes it easier for me? (that sounds so sick and twisted- but it is the way I feel!)
AJ, how did you do that? How did you make an uncomfortable sitch like this and ease it? What was your perception, if I may ask? Or how could I pertain it to my own thinking?
You are right about the kids. AND, I never even thought about that- him turning the kids on me. It would never happen, but I bet you are right! I think in his own sick mind, he has this crazy plan and totally thought he could manipulate it how he wanted. And he surly though he could buy them. Interesting, because he mentioned before, many months ago, (before separation agreement) that he would not be paying cs for s17 soon (even though he hadn't started) because he'd be 18 and d would just move in with him. Then he said he would bankrupt me if he wanted. (which I don't even know how he thinks he could, he works in a bank and has given himself unrealistic power) and d would NEVER live with him (and he pays cp till 21). I just didn't get it, nor did I get the anger, but it's par for the course.
I will not deal with this for the rest of my life. No way. I just want it to stop and go away. I don't have visions of revenge or anything. I'm not spiteful or any of that. I just have this turmoil that comes up. It comes at anytime, and I am struggling with it. I am not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it. I will get there, I just need to keep working at it.
You guys are a tremendous help. Thank you. I will forever be grateful.
