Here's an update.... Today, I was dropping my BIL off at the airport and I told W this... "Hey, how about if I take over our daughter and you take a bath, get relaxed so that we can have a relaxing evening together?" The reply was a key indicator that I should just chill out. Here's why..while she was in mommy mode with our daughter in the backseat whining etc., she slipped me a note that said "Would the plan be any different if my 'aunt' was visiting?" (time of month...aunt flo...get it?). What it represents is that she was able to see herself as a woman simultaneous to being a mom. Also, she had acknowldged and took my request seriously.
We had a fairly deep talk tonight. We both recognized that we were in the "catch-22" for the past 9 years and both agreed to start from a clean slate. I was able to "vision" with her as to what an ideal marriage is...she is committed to doing her part. In the past she has never been good at translating goals into actions so we briefly discussed some starting points and I was able to use SSM (which she is half way through) to discuss that the first step should be to eliminate any possibly physical issue and she committed to getting it done.
We discussed her motivation and her approach in a positive way...I never criticised her for her lack of speed but I indicated that an indication of her "pursuit" builds hope equally as much as "progress". That she should let me know that she's actively pursuing a solution.
We discussed how she's completely wiped out at the end of the day and simply wants to watch a little TV and not be touched, hugged etc. because the kid have sort of burned her out. She has told me this for years, I completely empathize with her and have never expected her to magically "turn on" at that part of the day. But I'm very proud that I didn't just drop the topic and let her off the hook...I proposed a solution (maybe this is a boundry and I felt "respected" after saying this..."If you currently give 99% of your time to kids, a (compulsively) spotless home, volunteer work, the neighborhood association, the PTA, and the household business, etc. and you share the same vision of where our relationship should be, and knowing that it will require maybe an hour a day of (not just physical) "us" time...then when do you want to fit it in (because at 9pm, I'm just getting table scraps)....where can I take over some of your workload? (BTW, I work at home...we've got a 24 hr window)
We established that we neglected Aniverseries and Vdays in the past and that we should have some days that "honored" as "us" days.
She read the Guide to HD Men...this turned out to be a better way to go because it was someone elses words. It did not overwhelm her but she has an issue with sleeping naked but will do it occasionally. Her issue with this has to do with a fear that the firemen will see her naked when she's rescued from the burning house. .
I explained my reasoning for pulling it back because it would be like telling someone who is in rehab, re-learning to walk, that they will need to run a marathon in a month. I repeated that I want her to "own" her recovery. She controls the timeline, I control the scope (to some degree). She was very relieved by this because she does feel like she's doing everything she can.
I think I'm really fortunate because I've never made an issue about the LD thing and have spared her the insanity that I'm sharing here. Thank god for this place because I'm definately sanity checking some screwy ideas...she knew it was an issue but just didn't take it seriously. Now she understands that it's a priority to achieve the "vision" of where we should be.
. 
