Corri,

No, I'm not ripping into anyone...I've chilled out. I'll try to explain better why I went off the deep end and how that translated to positive results, but first I'll address some comments...

Quote:

1) What would possibly motivate me to humiliate you on a formum where we are all in the 'same boat,' albeit, on different parts of the boat, and are here to support and encourage one another? Why would I purposely try to hurt you?

2) Can you tell me WHY you felt humiliated? What led you to believe that your assumption about me and my motives were correct -- that I took your post personally, and felt I HAD to humiliate you. What was it about the parody that struck a cord?





I never assumed you were trying to humiliate me on purpose. You've traditionally provided the most constructive insights of anyone. Reading the comment and first 2 sentences made me see the silliness of my letter but seeing that it kept going, and going, and going...mixing my heartfelt words and desire for affection with something as meaningless as shopping became entertainment to others rather than constructive criticism to me. The criticism was right on the money...the delivery hurt.

Quote:


3 If you are going to 'give it to me,' that's fine, I probably deserve it. But know before you do, that you had better be able to 'take' as good as you 'give.' And if you aren't willing to hear some things you might not want to hear, then let's let the issue die with my apology to you, and a promise never to make fun of you again (Although I wasn't trying to make fun of you, I was trying to make a point using humor, and it seems it has backfired in my face.)



I'm not going "give it to you"...especially not my credit card. The truth is that I came to this list in a "panicky", desperate state of mind. I couldn't see the big picture because I was so focused on this problem with my LDW. Having the ouburst (and this happens to me only once every few years) "snapped" me out of this state of mind where the following positive things then happened...

1. I was able to see that W IS acknowledging her problem and that it is unfair and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to push her any faster.

2. She's her own person...her style of dealing with things is much more organic than mine...I research, analyze and strategize the bajeezus out of a topic...she doesn't and I have to accept that. Now, I will also say that her style has failed her too and we're not out of the woods yet. But I might post something about how I'm handling this later.

3. The goal is to increase her desire for me...how attractive is it to have a husband who is whining about the state of the relationship, reading self-help books, and visiting support websites? NOT SAYING THESE DON"T HAVE VALUE...just that I need to absolutely make sure that my persona with her is one of strength, confidence and commitment. I'll save my weak moments for this place so I can focus on the positive with her. Fortunately, I have kept all of this hidden so far except giving her SSM...she doesn't know I visit this site...which is fine. People are attracted to winners...period. Also, people are attracted to mystery...laying ALL out there leaves you with no mystery at all.

4. I have to praise W...she won't engage in conversation that isn't productive. Therefore, I've used this forum to rant which shields her from seeing the wounded version of me. Here, I can ramble like a complete idiot. ., develop key "points" and talk calmly with her in a positive way.

5. Just realized that I have moments of clarity just after "exploding". Why do I explode? Because I "take crap" and keep smiling because I never want to show disappointment or anger in front of W...it builds up over a couple of years and then some poor, unsuspecting person pushes the "ignite button" and I completely unleash...sorry it was you this time Corri. BUT this definately indicates something that I need to work on like being more assertive to W. Someone had mentioned the issue of respect...that I wasn't "respected" by my wife...I get why...I'm too happy-go-lucky and I always try to make others feel good so I avoid getting "real"...I probably seem like a clown.

6. Because I was now calm and all my frustration with my M had been released. I was able to use another Corri tip when talking to my W and finally "got it". It has to do with talking about change. Instead of "you should do this...you should do that...blah blah", you simply say things like "I really want us to be like (fill in the blank)....and some of the good things I think they do are (fill in the blank). At my office, we call this "visioning".

So, the night of my explosion, I was very calm. In bed, she told me that she was upset with something I said earlier...wow...a first! This indicated to me that she is "re-engaged" with me...she never used to tell me when I did something hurtful...a great sign (btw, she, like me, tries to make everyone happy and doesn't assert herself either). This gave me an opportunity to tell her how pleased I was to hear that despite how crappy I felt for what I had said. She said she recognizes all the great things I'm doing to reconnect to, and build the relationship and that she too would address her LD issue to become a better W. We did the "visioning" thing and I joked that I always thought that the couple in Hart to Hart were good "ideals" (note that that was my favorite show when I was 12).

This also gave me an opportunity to gently let her know that my "new-and-improved-husband" behavior is fueled by her desire...this was a nice way to let her know that I can't keep the "spirit" alive without her help...she got it and has committed herself. I've simply got to give her a chance and some room figure things out for herself. She doesn't have a history of setting goals and achieving them (which is why I think we're not out of the weeds yet) but I'm going to try to be gently persistent and have regualar talks like this.

The last time we had a good discussion like this, she asked what my expectations were so she could get a sense of the bahaviors I desire. She asked for a list because it was more productive than me simply saying "desire me more"...she wanted to know what that really meant. My list definately read like a technical manual...more like an instruction book for owning a rare animal species with wierd dietary and medical needs...a book entitled "How to Get Pandas To Reproduce". So I took the CeMar guide which is actually really good at characterizing the types of behaviors that us HD men want. This was the first section of my list to be read as a "primer" before I spoke in my own words. I replaced my 5 page list with the following 2 entries...
1. What the primer says..
2. Ask me, and I will tell you.