Something broke in me today. I thought I had it all together and was dealing with everything relatively well. I felt grounded and productive and I wasn't going to waste my pain.
Today I wake up and dread taking D to school because that means I won't see her for a while. I cried when I hugged her goodbye today (she didn't see), I cried when I came home and I cried for about 10 minutes at the end of yoga. I just could NOT hold it in. What is that about? I went YEARS without crying at all and now I can't hold it in during yoga? I silently sobbed, tear dripping down my face, nose stuffy, face swelling in a room full of people. What is wrong with me?
If this were all just happening to me, fine. I'd hate it but I'd deal. But D? I just can't get past the pain of that. I want to scoop his heart out with a spoon and serve it to him.
I need to find friends who aren't married. I need to get out more with friends but everyone is having date night or hanging out with their significant others... and I'm here. Alone. Willing to work my arse off for our marriage but here I sit. Alone.
Feeling very sorry for myself right now. It's time like this I wish my BFF lived much closer or my brothers lived nearby. Or any of you lived nearby, we could go get a glass of wine, a flatbread pizza... swap stories, vent a little, express our hope...
I guess we'll just have to do that via the internet.
Awww Ss ((( ))) I see nothing unusual with any of what you say here. This hurts and it calls out our deepest fears. Sometimes we need to GAL, sometimes we need to honor our feelings, we need to sit with what's going on and understand ourselves.
Don't put yourself down for your feelings, they're there for a reason.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
