My complicated but hopeful situation- - First post

[Bitzie]

Hi,

Im separated 7 months now and been married for 7 years and have a 4 yr old.

Things are so complicated and seem all over the place.

I left our home for safety reasons but came back and said I wasnt leaving our marriage and that I wanted him to get help. Now its turned into everything being all my fault because I left.

I have tried to reconcile for 6 months with no luck.
I have left him alone, done 180's, been kind, had hardly any conflict with him and given him everything.

he has gone from hating me, to suggesting lunch as friends (even though Im still waiting) He did get the papers for divorce but now says he will stay married but remain separated.

He has started to be nicer to me, asks me how I am when I drop off child and has responded well through texts this past month with wishing me a good day too in response to my texts saying have a good day.

So there seems to be hope all mixed in this big horrible mess.

Also from things my child says about "his other mummy", Im fairly sure there is some kind of relationship happening which I am trying not to worry about although it hurts like HELL!

I am really hoping to get some more pointers from the book when it arrives and also from this forum too

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Ss06]

Follow ^^^^ that advice. Post often and read as much as you can.

Breathe. You're among friends.

[Bitzie]

Book arrived and I finished reading it during the week Gave me some great insight.

Had a terrible day today with H as we text for most of the day. It wasnt nice. He said he didnt love me and how could he live with someone he didnt love.
This is the first time he has said this. He also told me that he hasn't loved me for ages which was news to me. I dont really believe him but it still hurts like crazy.

After I dropped off our son in the evening, he text me to say that he was sorry about today, his feelings hadn't changed but he was sorry.

He has mentioned a few times now that if we do get back together then it would be a platonic relationship. This hurts me too and confuses me even more.

I felt like throwing in the towel today but I know that I would regret it so I tried to salvage things as best I could.

Feeling discouraged though and sad

Thankfully I have a busy weekend ahead to help take my mind off things.

[Bitzie]

how much truth do you think is in anything my husband is saying?

He says that he will never let me back in his heart and that he doesnt love me.
He says that he was trying to get out of our marriage for ages but this doesn't seem right to me. When ever we had conflict he would always be the one to say lets work this out.

Im quite confused

I remember reading something about not believing stuff that is said but it seems so real and hurtful that it throws me off and gets me down.

[Bitzie]

Update - Found out H is not in a relationship.

Now saying we will stay married but live apart.
Has mention "if we do get back together... " a few times.

[Starsky309]

And how did you determine that?

[wmwb123]

Your husband's words are straight from the wayward script. I'd really take another look. There must be another woman.

[Train]

Hey, Bitzie.

I left our home for safety reasons
Can you elaborate some on this for us, please? Be as honest and forthcoming as you can; we are all here to help and support you and need all the information to do our best with that.

Second, don't believe a word coming out of H's mouth. That INCLUDES him flip-flopping on his feelings for you AND him telling you there isn't someone else. I'd say *at least* 9 out of 10 times, when someone hears from their spouse "ILYBINILWY" - or when they start acting like aliens seemingly out of the blue - there's an OP (other person) involved. (In fact, I'd venture to say it's more like 10 out of 10 times, but that's just been my experience and observations in real life and on these boards.) Sounds to me like your S is sort of confirming that suspicion in your sitch, too.

Some folks will say an A or OW (other woman) doesn't matter - that you should take the same actions to save your M regardless. I'm admittedly not one of those people. I think an OW being in the picture matters very much. Why? Because your H is NOT genuinely going to be working on your M as long as an OW is on the side.

I think it matters a lot for your strategy too.

Is there any intel you have (checking cell phone records, emails, ANYTHING) that could confirm whether there's an OW? There's a fine line to walk here. Snooping too much will hurt you a lot. But confirming whether there's an OW could *help* you a lot.

So get back to us on those couple questions, and we will all have lots of ideas and advice for you.

Hang in there! You've come to the right place!