Flingin' That Otter Across Two States!

[LoisB]

Thanks guys!! Yep, it's all gooooooood. Pieces are falling into place.

Here are some of the pieces:

1. Had a therapist...a really good one...once pull me aside. She had been working with Smokey after one of his many relapses. She said, "You realize that this man has some pretty huge mountains to climb before he can be the man you need/deserve?" It scared the hell outta me...why? Because this would mean I was alone in the world!! HOLY SHID!! Lil Heather without anyone to take care of her. Because, according to those around me, I'm pretty incapable of taking care of myself. Bought right into that one.

2. Moving became appealing to me this summer once I realized that this dream was really dead. Dead, dead, dead. I've spent sooo much time holding myself back and waiting around for this guy who will take like two steps up his mountain and, then, retreat back to his "cozy" smoke-filled shack by the river. That's what is comfortable to him and I need to accept it. I don't think this was ever about love. In fact, I think the love made it really hard for him to pull the trigger. But, he may simply be someone who is incapable of being more than he is. I need to accept him as he is. In some ways, this is my way of honoring my marriage vows. I'm allowing him, finally, to be who he is. Very, very limited in so many ways.

So funny, after Life's comment about "Why am I feeling sad about this guy who smokes a lot of weed and passes out on the couch after belching and passing the gas..." I remembered how much it used to annoy me that Smokey found passing the gas and burping at the table funny. I wasn't raised that way and I couldn't see the humor. He has always had a very adolescent humor, while I've always leaned to Monty Python and such.

Anyway...I cracked open two fortune cookies yesterday:

1. "A man's true character can be learned by what he finds humorous."

2. "You will find a beautiful new home within the year."

Just posted this on Shining's thread. I think I need it over here for future reference:

Shining, my sweets, you WILL be JUST fine...with or without this man. Mine is riding off into the sunset with a his drug-addled skank and seems to be perfectly content with his new life. And, guess what??? I'm ok. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm pretty damn awesome. He has no idea what he's missed or what he is missing out on...

So, here's the deal. I was pretty stuck until I did some deep trenchwork on my own insides. I needed to dredge up a lot of shid to open myself up to the possibilities of a life without Smokey. He was a part of my life since I was 12. I need to do a groundup restoration of myself...foundations and all.

I suggest you do the same. It's painful and it means letting him GO...but, in the end, you discover yourself and realize you will ALWAYS have YOU and God and that's not gonna change no matter what life throws at you.

Quote:
Ummmm… I thought it was Divorce Busing, Save Your Marriage site… Sometimes I wonder why some people get one advice and others get complete opposite…


I think this is a really interesting question. But, I'm beginning to get it. In my case, for instance, I was married to a load. Pretty much...a really damaged guy who was fairly content being damaged. It was safe. Time and again, (haphazardly throughout our life together) he tried to push himself outta his comfort zone for me and the kids...but, it never lasted...he always went back to what was safe and comfortable.

In my case, it's obvious that I was married to someone who really had no intention of moving out of this tunnel. He needs the tunnel for whatever reason. And, I have been holding myself back in my own life by dwelling on this loss of him. In my case, I needed to be pushed and prodded to move forward with my life.

Yes, I will always love him. I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...I think I'm towers above what he can offer now...but, I'm cool with that. I'm heading to the life that God intended for me. I really feel that. I feel that this is where God wants me...I've put myself on hold for toooooooo long...like 18 years too long.

Sometimes in life we are faced with a crossroads. We have to decide if we are content to continue on the path we know or...try something new. Very Robert Frost.

In recent months, God has put this into my heart..."Smokey is irrelevant Heather. This journey has always been about YOU. You were stuck. You needed a crowbar to push/pull/hammer yourself outta the position where you were wedged.

Love him from afar. Pray he figures it out. But, push yourself to look at why he is attractive in the first place. Push yourself to look at why you still want the person who caused all this pain to make it better, to heal the wound...he is the wounder...look to yourself to heal that wound. You will never, ever let you down once you get the hang of it.

I think this is what K was trying to say and I agree with her.

Look up Susan Anderson's Abandonment books. Codapendent NO MORE by Beattie...Look to strong, empowered women who have risen above similar situations and come out ok.

You can do this!!!