Feels like an eternity (Mindsin - part. 3)

[mindsin]

On the drive up, she was excited for me to tell her about the job offer. She was disappointed when I told her the salary. When I told her about the offer and my counter-offer, she was sort of irate that I didn’t ask for more. She felt that I sold myself short, and I think she was upset that I didn’t consult her before making the counter-offer. Perhaps what she doesn’t realize is that this is MY job opportunity and I’m not asking for her help. She’s no longer my mother, and I no longer lean on her. My career is my decision – an adult decision that I should be steering my way – not steered her way. In the end, she said, “it’s your life”, as if to free her hands from me. Good. That’s what she should be doing, and that’s what I want. I didn’t feel that I needed her advice in this situation. It’s my career that’s on the line, not hers.

We had dinner at a nice restaurant. Our food, drinks, and conversation was great. I think this is the first dinner we had where there was no agenda. But, she did bring up the situation a few times, and I tried to deflect as best as I could.

She asked me, “When you see me naked or changing, I notice you turn your head away. Why?”

I said, “Well first, you’re very beautiful, and I don’t want to get myself excited. Second, I want to be respectful and don’t want you to think I’m gawking at you.”

She had this saddened, emotionally-pained look on her face. It’s the same face she had the night when I apologized to her about Victoria and offered transparency on my phone. I’m not sure what it means, but I know I’ll drive myself crazy trying to analyze it.

She also asked how I’m doing overall (with regard to the current situation). I said, “My feelings haven’t changed since the beginning, how I choose to deal with it, has.”

She interrupted, “But you went back and forth a lot in those e-mails (about whether I truly loved her or not)”.

I said, “I know I did. Back then, I was over-analyzing – searching for answers, and trying to provide you with an explanation and conclusion. What I realize now is that my feelings haven’t changed at all. It’s the same as it was a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago.”

Again, she had that saddened look on her face again and said nothing.

We somehow got into a conversation about Ray Rice and domestic abuse. She said that she was never able to relate to women who would stay in abusive relationships, but after what she went through with me, she can. She realizes that she stayed for three reasons. First, because she was in disbelief that this was happening. Second, because she wanted to protect me. Third, because she didn’t want to expose the shame of being in that situation to her family and friends.

She went on to say that she talks to her cousin every couple of weeks. Her cousin checks in on her to make sure she’s OK. She has told her that she needs to periodically assess three things. One – make sure she is talking to someone about the situation. Two – make sure the kids are taken care of. Three – Be sure that it is worth it (her decision to leave me). That third part was hard to hear. When I asked her “make sure it’s worth what?” she simply said “This – what I’m going through”.

She says her two other friends tell her the same thing. I simply replied, “They sound like good friends”.

She will be spending three consecutive nights with OM over this weekend. That was initially painful to me, but I feel that now is not the time to say anything about it. I know that she is living an open double life. I know she is taking advantage of me, and is borderline being a negligent parent. I have been advised (by my DB coach, as well as her father) not to push the issue.

Even last night, I’m the one who has to “hide the kids from mom’s late night trysts”. I almost wanted to say, "If they hear you leaving and ask where you're going, then that's your problem."

It’s like I’m supporting her A. I want to do anything but.