Inside my chrysalis 2

[Zues126]

Arg. My post was eaten by the interweb. Basically I said that that stinks, and I can see how that can be a blow to your confidence both as an employee and as a person in your sitch. But what I can say is that there are a ton of men on this board that wish their W's had the character you're showing here. And many employers and men out there will see your value, maybe even your H someday. What's most important is that you see it. Here's a cheesy poem that I really like. Keep making decisions YOU'RE proud of and it will work out.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

[raliced]

I wish I had some words of wisdom about your daughter. That is the hardest part of this for me to comprehend. I can get H falling out of love with me - but doing this to the kids that he has always claimed to ADORE? I still can't wrap my head around that one.

I know the kids need to see their father and I will encourage that in my situation - but I won't lie - the biggest bitter thought that continuously runs through brain is "Why should my time with my children be diminished because of his bad choices"?

Hang in there SS - tomorrow is another day. And you WILL find a better job!

[raliced]

I am not handling any of this well.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Not handling it well? That's malarkey. Just because you are in justifiable pain doesn't mean that you aren't handling it well. Exhibit A would be your wonderful, smart, loving daughter.

Stay strong, as you have been!

[Ss06]

"Why should my time with my children be diminished because of his bad choices"?

I think about this all the time. Because he has moderate determination and no desire to work on our marriage I have to be away from my daughter. Why can't we all be together and work HARD to show her what it takes to make a strong marriage, that it's not all puppies and rainbows and that it takes work and dedication and drive and determination. Isn't THAT what we want to teach her?!

She actually said something like,

"I hate that I miss daddy and when I see him, I miss you. And then when I'm with you I miss daddy again. I hate this. Why can't we all be together again?"

Does she ask HIM these questions? I want to just throw him under the bus and say, "this is all your dad's decision, honey" but I won't.

thanks for your support guys.

I will find another job, raliced, I know that. Tonight I heard of an opportunity but it pays pittance and I can't live on that.

Not a good night. At all.

[raliced]

It's a tough age (my oldest is 6) for these kind of conversations. For the time being my daughters think that Daddy just has to sleep closer to work (and because he's in law enforcement - he's always worked crazy days and hours and they are used to it). But eventually - there will have to be a conversation (unless he shakes off the fog) - and I fully intend that he will be the one doing the explaining.

I'm sure your daughter asks your H these questions, but this actually seems like a completely reasonable conversation to have with your H as well. You can do a temperature check and ask how D seems to be handling the situation when she is with him and share that she seems distressed when she is with you - and share how you have handled it so she gets a consistent message from both of you. Perhaps your ICs would have some suggestions as well.

[Ss06]

That's a good suggestion, raliced. I just need to get to a point where I can talk to him and tell him how D seems to be handling it all when she's with me without breaking down into tears and trying to throw stuff at him, you know?

I'm not in IC. Our insurance really is awful and it's very expensive.

[pilot]

ss, I am really sorry you are in a funk right now. I understand why you are, and I wish I could make it better for you. I am sure we all would if we could. I am happy you are concentrating on your GAL activities for the near future. It really will help with your mood. As for your D and losing time with her, well, I face an even bigger problem. My W has the affair, and yet in the new state we live in, should a D proceed here, the standard MO is the mom gets physical custody. That is something that eats at my very core. I had no idea anything was wrong in my marriage, always thought I did everything I could to make my W happy. Turns out I did not understand LL, she has an affair, never really wants to work at M, and then ends up with the kids? Where is the fairness in that???

At any rate, I really hope you find your smile again soon. You are such a joy to have on my thread and hope you stick around it!!!

[Maybell]

Ss, you've put on the happy face so consistently the past few weeks that it's not at all surprising that things would catch up a bit to bring you down. Sit with your sadness a bit, especially since you've got the freedom this weekend to feel what you feel openly. It's all real and rational. The only way out is through.

I'm sorry for the hits you've taken with your daughter and the job. I've been there. It is no fun. (I can't believe they put that stuff in writing, it doesn't take an HR genius to notice it's 2014, duh.)

So something better is out there for you. With any luck the pittance job won't work out and then the platinum-plated super-job will fall into your lap and that part of your life will be grand.

I envy your daughter being so open about her feelings. My kids aren't and I'm really at a loss for helping them cope, just hoping I'm giving them what they need. So as hard as it is to hear your daughter's sadness, try to appreciate how healthy it is for her to express it. Sending you hugs for coping with that.

[labug]

Something broke in me today. I thought I had it all together and was dealing with everything relatively well. I felt grounded and productive and I wasn't going to waste my pain.

Today I wake up and dread taking D to school because that means I won't see her for a while. I cried when I hugged her goodbye today (she didn't see), I cried when I came home and I cried for about 10 minutes at the end of yoga. I just could NOT hold it in. What is that about? I went YEARS without crying at all and now I can't hold it in during yoga? I silently sobbed, tear dripping down my face, nose stuffy, face swelling in a room full of people. What is wrong with me?

If this were all just happening to me, fine. I'd hate it but I'd deal. But D? I just can't get past the pain of that. I want to scoop his heart out with a spoon and serve it to him.

I need to find friends who aren't married. I need to get out more with friends but everyone is having date night or hanging out with their significant others... and I'm here. Alone. Willing to work my arse off for our marriage but here I sit. Alone.

Feeling very sorry for myself right now. It's time like this I wish my BFF lived much closer or my brothers lived nearby. Or any of you lived nearby, we could go get a glass of wine, a flatbread pizza... swap stories, vent a little, express our hope...

I guess we'll just have to do that via the internet.

Awww Ss ((( )))
I see nothing unusual with any of what you say here. This hurts and it calls out our deepest fears. Sometimes we need to GAL, sometimes we need to honor our feelings, we need to sit with what's going on and understand ourselves.

Don't put yourself down for your feelings, they're there for a reason.

[labug]

So I just heard about that job...

They hired someone else. This is why:

"It was not easy to make a decision as we really enjoyed the interview and your personality. We decided to hire another candidate as she lives close to (city) and she doesn't have any kids. We went back and forth on that. We also thought that you would get bored in the office at some point if it didn't get more challenging."

Ok. great. thanks for discriminating against me because of where I live and because I have a child.

I can't believe they said that!!! The last is a federal offense.

But the bright side, if that's the way they do business, it wouldn't have worked. Something better is out there.