advice needed - please help

[jpLove]

Hi! I just finished reading through your thread. My husband dropped the bomb 8 weeks ago & told me he was "done" 7 weeks ago, so I'm still fresh into this...but I've been doing some work with a marriage reconciliation coach whom I found prior to finding this site. The advice he has given me may be helpful to yu, so I'll pass it on. He gave me two methods of reattraction.

1) agreement (in a very specific way) for example: you say "the weather is nice today" and I DONT say "I agree" and I DONT repeat your stage man by saying "yeah, the weather really is nice today". I choose one point from your statement that I agree with and say something like "yeah, the sun is shining bright today." The coach is a psychologist with 20 years of reconciliation experience. He said that if I use the first two methods of agreement too frequently it will seem as if I'm just trying to be agreeable all the time, however, if I use the third method I will be agreeing in a way that he will subconsciously pick up on. For him to be attracted to you, he had to feel like you're on his team. No matter what he says, you can always find a way to be agreeable without agreeing to something you don't agree with. An example would be "having kids is horrible" "yeah, they can be very challenging". It's true, kids can be very challenging, but you didn't say they are horrible. Allowing him to feel that you're on his side will help him to become more comfortable around you and to let his guard down. That will open the door for connection.

2) empathy. That one is rather self explanatory.

He told me that those two tools are among the best things you can do to help him start to open back up to you. Other than the rules that have already been expressed to you on this site, which he also gave me. Once he starts contacting you when he doesn't have to, you'll know you've made progress ...but never outdo what he's doing. If he contacts you for "non-business" reasons 3 times in one week, you contact him for mom-business reasons no more than 3 times a week. Let him set the pace. If he gives you a high five, you don't get to hug him. If you go faster than him, he'll feel like you're not on his team anymore and you'll back track.

I hope this helps! I think it's very valuable! Something else I've been doing, is among my numerous 180's, I've been heavily researching marriage and preparing myself for WHEN he comes back. I've been reading books and listening to podcasts. My favorite podcasts are the focus on the family podcasts focused on marriage, "marriage today," and "homemakers by choice." I know you're a working woman, but you're still a homemaker and she gives a lot of good advice about being a wife. I think the advice in the "marriage today" podcasts is the best, though. A LOT of wisdom about how to make a marriage work!

Best wishes! God bless you & your marriage!