advice needed - please help

[stacey9]

Well I'm not sure if I handled this the right way - h wanted to speak about the finances again. I told him I'd seen a L and outlined the advice I was given which was really in my favour . He said he'd rather we came to a mutual agreement which we could then get drawn up by L. He said the last thing he wanted was for me and kids to be worrying about money and be worse off but he could not continue to pay all of the mortgage.
After he left I felt a bit emotional and sent him a text saying I'm so sorry things have got this far between us and that I did not want any of this.
He did not respond.
What should I have done?

[stacey9]

I am feeling totally lost. I so wish I had not sent that text. Why didn't he respond? Would it not have been the perfect opportunity for him to show he's even a little sorry for all the hurt? I could think of loads of appropriate things he could have replied with - why didn't he?

He came round today and said he has contacted L for some advice.

So nothing is good. I was feeling so much better after our recent interactions now I feel as if I am back to January again. He is keen to get moving on a place of his own (not renting), by himself or with the OW I have no idea.

Everytime I see him I want to reach out to him. He is totally detached. I wish I could do the same.
Sad Stacey x

[Georgiabelle]

Stacey,
I'm so sorry you are having a difficult day. It sukks. However, your text was honest and while not necessary, it wasn't wrong. The reality is that there is no *good* response to that text. "I'm sorry for the things I've done" isn't very genuine over text IMHO. Your h probably feels some guilt, however remorse would not sincerely be expressed via text. He's probably not there anyway.

Detach. I know you are hurting. The sooner you accept that your M as you knew it is dead and start truly living, then the sooner you figure out what you want. I know it's terribly difficult, however you need to drop the expectations associated with positive interactions. They are what they are. Friendly exchanges. However , always protect yourself financially. That should be a priority at this moment while your h is in la la land.

Do something fun this weekend! Be kind to yourself.

[stacey9]

Thank you so much Georgiabelle, I have just read a great piece of advice you posted on Ahoy's thread -
"The only solid advice I have is to conduct yourself in a way that you can look back and say that you did what you could and handled yourself with grace in the process." - such wise words, my kids are watching me and have seen all the pain and hurt this has caused, but I'm hoping they will also learn that life goes on no matter what and that we will be all be okay.

This site has been such a help to me and I have been reading through the posts most days for guidance and inspiration.

Thanks again
Stacey

[jpLove]

Hi! I just finished reading through your thread. My husband dropped the bomb 8 weeks ago & told me he was "done" 7 weeks ago, so I'm still fresh into this...but I've been doing some work with a marriage reconciliation coach whom I found prior to finding this site. The advice he has given me may be helpful to yu, so I'll pass it on. He gave me two methods of reattraction.

1) agreement (in a very specific way) for example: you say "the weather is nice today" and I DONT say "I agree" and I DONT repeat your stage man by saying "yeah, the weather really is nice today". I choose one point from your statement that I agree with and say something like "yeah, the sun is shining bright today." The coach is a psychologist with 20 years of reconciliation experience. He said that if I use the first two methods of agreement too frequently it will seem as if I'm just trying to be agreeable all the time, however, if I use the third method I will be agreeing in a way that he will subconsciously pick up on. For him to be attracted to you, he had to feel like you're on his team. No matter what he says, you can always find a way to be agreeable without agreeing to something you don't agree with. An example would be "having kids is horrible" "yeah, they can be very challenging". It's true, kids can be very challenging, but you didn't say they are horrible. Allowing him to feel that you're on his side will help him to become more comfortable around you and to let his guard down. That will open the door for connection.

2) empathy. That one is rather self explanatory.

He told me that those two tools are among the best things you can do to help him start to open back up to you. Other than the rules that have already been expressed to you on this site, which he also gave me. Once he starts contacting you when he doesn't have to, you'll know you've made progress ...but never outdo what he's doing. If he contacts you for "non-business" reasons 3 times in one week, you contact him for mom-business reasons no more than 3 times a week. Let him set the pace. If he gives you a high five, you don't get to hug him. If you go faster than him, he'll feel like you're not on his team anymore and you'll back track.

I hope this helps! I think it's very valuable! Something else I've been doing, is among my numerous 180's, I've been heavily researching marriage and preparing myself for WHEN he comes back. I've been reading books and listening to podcasts. My favorite podcasts are the focus on the family podcasts focused on marriage, "marriage today," and "homemakers by choice." I know you're a working woman, but you're still a homemaker and she gives a lot of good advice about being a wife. I think the advice in the "marriage today" podcasts is the best, though. A LOT of wisdom about how to make a marriage work!

Best wishes! God bless you & your marriage!

[jpLove]

Wow, sorry for the typos...I should really learn to take the time to proof before I hit "submit"

[Ss06]

Wow, sorry for the typos...I should really learn to take the time to proof before I hit "submit"

Meh, we're human. Accept the typos as a first step to remembering you're human.

[igit]

Stacy, read your thread. Your h is typical of th e waw spouse we are all dealing with. Rt now they have no idea about the hurt they are inflicting on there family. You mentioned he took other w out with some of his family. Who in his family? They must be supporting this. It's hard on you and the kids! That's for sure. Have you tried LRT. Just blow him off when he is around. Act like you don't care! Do180 to the t. Don't engage with him.like Mr bond says tr w at him like a neighbor. Confuse him as 25 says. He is not thinking about anyone but himself. Blow him off, leave when he stops to see kids. Smile and say hi, then take off drive around.block a few times. Let him do all D stuff himself for now.confuse him, you can do it. Remember they always want what they can't have,

[Bitzie]

Great advice in this thread. Sorry you're going through this though, its tough

JpLOve, thanks for sharing what you have learnt about agreement and empathy, that was a good reminder for me.

[stacey9]

jplove, thanks so much for sharing, these are great tips and I am going to practice them when I next see him. Its so kind of you to take the time to do this, this is hard stuff for anyone to deal with never mind with a baby on the way.

Igit, thank you too for the advice. I think I unintentionally did something like LRT earlier on in the year. It was when I first found out about OW and I was so furious I could not bring myself to speak to him and tried to make sure I was out when he came round. It didn't make any difference to him. Now I'm trying to be light and breezy around him and I think its confused him a little, but I think I may be trying to engage him too much. I was telling him stories about what's been happening in the street and with friends etc and I asked him if he was okay and how his work was going. He did not ask anything about me whatsoever. I felt a bit foolish.

It is really tough that his father and brother have had dinner with the OW and have fully accepted the situation. They feel that as he wasn't happy with me he's done the right thing. Its as if me and our 22 year marriage has ceased to exist. It has split the family up as his other brother and his wife are not happy with what he's done and are refusing to meet the OW.

It is all really tough. I am trying to do something different and act as if he is coming back. But then I think he's in the middle of this exciting new life with no real responsibilities or worries so why would he want to?

I want him to see changes in me, I certainly am much stronger than I thought I was.

And you're right Bitzie there is great advice in this thread. I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to respond. I read over the replies regularly to help keep me focused.

Thanks again
S