Train, roll on ...

[Train]

Thank you so much, Tar.

You're right, of course.

But it's what I *do* in that time that has me worried. Know what I mean?

I could easily push him away with my pestering doubts and moments of anger.

Ugh!!!

[Train]

(PS When I say anger, I don't mean angry outbursts. I usually just start crying my brains out. Which is so out of character for me. And it freaks H out.)

[Tarheel]

I think in the example above, your H handled your actions as best as he could- by attempting to reassure you. He could have easily gotten offensive or shut down on you. If you are both in this R as a team, he needs to understand that you are going to have these feelings/flashbacks and help you through them.

You're allowed to have anger/sadness over H's past actions. It's good to get it out now so the two of you can move forward.

I'm wishing you the best and thanks for all your input on my thread!

[Train]

It's my pleasure to pitch in on your thread, Tar. Thank YOU.

I think it's sort of a tightrope walk at this stage. I know I need to be honest with H and to tell him what I need. But I don't want to give myself permission to just unload on him all the time, realizing that maybe he "deserves" it. I need him to comfort and reassure me. But I don't want to be a victim, either. More importantly, I don't want to give myself permission to feel like one.

Seems to be a fine line between being open and honest and asking for what I need and then maybe showing TOO much of my pain and confusion.

[zew]

And I said: "So then, I'm hearing you say you were miserable in our M for less than three months and then actively went out looking for another woman. Is that right?"

This cross-examination was not cool, Train.

You know I'm not speaking from personal experience here, but I've worked through a lot of "Given x, how could I ever..." situations just to try to figure out where I would stand on a lot of issues. (I don't like catching myself off guard!)

I think the security and trust will come from addressing the root causes to the demise of your R. If you have openly and honestly and exhaustively gone through the issues you each had, and if you see them regularly being addressed, then you regain that sense that you are caring for each other. And I don't mean that you kinda think the issues are addressed, but you explicitly see that he's not pushing the wrong buttons, and he is pushing the right ones, and that couldn't happen randomly by accident, so he must be consciously making the effort.

And again, it's the root causes that you're watching, not the crap that happened during the A - that's all mindless fluff.

Remember the whole consistent changes over time thing? It doesn't just apply to the LBS getting the WS back; it applies to the WS getting the trust of the LBS back.

Help any?

[Train]

Yep. It does, zew. A whole bunch. Thank you.

And you're saying exactly something else I've been thinking: get OUT of the A and my feelings of being betrayed. And stay IN the problems that got us there.

It is THE hardest thing I've ever had to do.

And the doubts I'm feeling constantly nag at me and make me second-guess everything.

I've managed to maintain most every change and wake up every day, determined to meet H's needs. And he's meeting mine.

At some point, I gotta cut my tethers loose and just decide to fly with faith.

[Tarheel]

And you're saying exactly something else I've been thinking: get OUT of the A and my feelings of being betrayed. And stay IN the problems that got us there.

EXACTLY what my W thinks my focus is and will always be should we R...

[Starsky309]

Train,

I'm sorry I can't offer you much good advice here, as I'm reeling a bit today myself. But no, I don't think what you're feeling is unusual or should alarm you or anything. Is it that . . . your marriage suddenly feels very . . . tenuous? Like "Oh my, if you weren't in a bad place then, then how -- just 3 months later -- could you come and crash my world down??!" THAT sort of thing?

I also get the heebie-jeebies about how thin the line is between joy and despair. All I can tell you is to trust in your process, and keep working it. Marriages are like debt and compound interest -- they can build or they can spiral, depending on which way you work 'em. NOTHING is permanent! (which is both good and bad).

But I'm not making sense today I'm afraid. How about . . . (((((hugs)))))


Starsky

[Train]

EXACTLY what my W thinks my focus is and will always be should we R...
And (sigh), to her credit, it's really hard to keep the focus OFF of it. (Obviously.)

Is it that . . . your marriage suddenly feels very . . . tenuous? Like "Oh my, if you weren't in a bad place then, then how -- just 3 months later -- could you come and crash my world down??!" THAT sort of thing?
Does it tell you anything that when I read this part of your post, Starsky, I started crying? Yes, yes. That's EXACTLY it.

I know it may not seem like it, but I felt - in that moment - that I *was* trying to get to the root of one of our pre-A issues. I didn't feel I was trying to punish him. However, I was, looking back, off the mark. Or maybe it's the way I handled it. I need to learn to STFU, but then I feel like I'm becoming a robot, denying myself my feelings ... or rug-sweeping ... and constantly trying to figure out the next thing to say in a validating way. I'm tired of feeling like a robot. I'm tired of having to suck-up my feelings. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and watching everything I say.

I wanted to be able to think back to the time period ... and for him to give me something - ANYTHING - that was going wrong in our M at that time while I was clearly out in LaLa Land thinking everything was okay (not blissfully happy, but at least okay). I thought that might give me an indication of something - ANYTHING - for me to know this time around. I mean, I feel now the same way I felt then. He's acting now, for the most part, just like he was acting then, as far as seeming content.

So, yes, you hit the nail on the head. As always.

I'm reeling a bit today myself.
You? Reeling? Are you trying to tell me - after all this time - that you're actually human? Seriously, Starsky, you alright, man?

How about . . . (((((hugs)))))
(((((Hugs))))) right back to you, brother.

[Starsky309]

I'm OK. Just found out that the apple of my eye -- my precious little 4 year old granddaughter, who's lived either WITH us or right NEAR us ever since she was born -- is moving with my daughter and her husband 1,000 miles away in a couple of months. Navy deployment. My wife doesn't even know yet; it's going to KILL her. She's like a 2nd mother to her.