I have the "TimeHop" app. Yesterday, there was a picture that popped up from exactly one year ago. It was of H and his new tattoo, which he got last year to represent my D17 (his step-daughter). (He has each of our kids represented by a tattoo on his arm.) Everything was FINE at the time I pulled up the picture; in fact, H and I had just returned from a date. (It was by no means our best date; actually our worst since getting back together, but it wasn't for the company. The date-spot blew balls). So we get back home, I look at my TimeHop pictures before the day (and thus pictures) changed, I noticed the picture and the month it was taken (last September, obviously) and WAM! I hit rock-bottom. I showed H the picture and said, "See? This is where I get confused. Were you miserable in our M in this picture? D3 and I stopped by the tattoo place while you were getting your tattoo - I remember it vividly - we all were happy and hanging out. Were you miserable here? Because you went out, three months after this photo, and actively asked another woman for her phone number at a grocery store."
H said: "No. I don't think I was miserable there."
And I said: "So then, I'm hearing you say you were miserable in our M for less than three months and then actively went out looking for another woman. Is that right?"
He gets all confused and stutter-y ... and then he tried to start reassuring me: "It's not going to happen again, Train. I've changed."
And then, in my mind, I kinda lose it. Changed? Really? It hasn't been even five months since he came home. *Changed*?
What gets me EVERY TIME, y'all, is that this happened to me twice in eight years. I.cannot.get.over.it. I've told H that the A itself isn't my obstacle; it's my own doubts because he has put me through this hel! twice.
Am I expecting too much of myself too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? The impossible? Should I even be having those conversations with him? Showing him pictures and asking how he might have been feeling at that time? Am I looking for too much information? Answers I'll never get? Or at least answers that will never satisfy me? Or have I hit a fork in the road here?
I mean, I still know I can keep my side of the street clean and continue to try piecing our relationship back together. We are still working very hard. But will this doubt EVER begin to lift? It's standing in my way. It is starting to impact my outlook and my mood when we are alone together. It feels so heavy and burdensome.
How do I start letting go of that? And how can I shove it in the back of my brain long enough to try to interact with H in a more forgiving, forward-looking, solution-focused way? If I can't drop this doubt, I'm going to end up pushing H away. And - if I'm being honest - when I'm in the throes of my REALLY doubtful times, there are moments when I don't care if I do. I know that's not me and that's not what I want. But I'm living each day right now, actually assuming in the back of my head that H will do this to me again, even if I'm trying to do everything right. It makes me sad. And mad.
I miss the comfort of security and the feeling of carefree happiness - of being wildly in love with my H, knowing he's my life partner and best friend. And I don't know that I will ever have that with him again. It feels so unfair. Like I've been robbed.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
