living with WAW who hasn't walked yet (6)

[zew]

You've shown much strength, honor and level-headed planning throughout your ordeal, and I THINK I've been with you from the beginning? Most aren't able to do that, and one of my regrets is that those following along won't (yet?) get the lesson of the right way to do things.

Thank you, sir. You have no idea how much I appreciate your being here for support. May God bless you.

As for doing things the right way, there are some things I could have done differently. I could have been more firm sooner, but I needed the time to square things with myself, and to re-establish my R with my D13, and assure that I would have my vacation time with kids. Anyway, I'm not the type for regrets, so I'll say I did things in the way that was right for me.

I do agree with your philosophy that hard boundaries need to be established early. I think many of us have trouble with that because we've never been in a situation where what we thought were inalienable boundaries are so violated by someone so trusted. If I had a critique of the help we give people on this board, it's that we don't get people to understand the whole control vs boundary thing more quickly, in a way that is operable.

It's just that there aren't any guarantees, as you know, and all we can each do is what gives us the BEST CHANCE at saving our marriage. At the end of the day (end of the year?), the choice is -- ultimately -- our wayward spouse's to make.

Very true, and good to learn to accept early. And this has been the most frustrating part for me. I don't believe anything is ever broken, just in need of repair. And being the mechanically minded son of a father born into a large depression era family, I know you can always fix something before you throw it away. I guess this is where the age difference with my W comes into play - my toys were made of metal and could be fixed; her toys were made of plastic and you threw them away.

The whole "I'm done and won't try" attitude is just a non sequitur for me. In my mind, if I signed up for something, and I'm not dead, then I'm not done. The hardest lesson for me has been to learn that M is a joint venture, and my W does not have that same core 'never say die' value, and therefore there is a point at which I have to accept that I am on a fool's errand.

Good job!

Thanks - work in progress. The lumber truck will be over at your place shortly with a fresh supply of 2x4's.

You are a man only a foolish woman would leave.
She's foolish.

Well I'd like to think I am; and certainly better than a year ago. Or maybe we just truly can't meet each other's needs. However, after 18 years and two kids, I just don't buy that. Let's go with She's foolish. I think she's cheating herself and the kids out of a wide open, secure future with someone who actually cares. But I'm biased.

Or she's sick; in need of help. I truly believe she is being held back by a few friends and her IC, and she's firmly locked into victim mode. D is her answer. She feels entitled to something, at any cost, and several guys later she hasn't found it. There's just no feedback loop. People ask me if I can't get her to a doctor. Ya can't get nobody to do nuttin - no time, no how.

I'm truly thankful that I know I will never find myself at that level of depression. I have the self confidence to evaluate, decide, act then adjust. repeat. Sinatra singing "That's Life".

Anyway, this is just a mid-story plot twist. It's way too soon for the epilogue or post-mortem just yet. There's a whole lot of mundane reality coming up.