I've made a couple other posts about our situation...me HD, W LD, 35 w/ 1 child...happily autonomous with quarterly sex where she digs it when we do it. Need to get some advice because I'm terrified to do this...
My W is having a hard time with the "generalities" like "more affection..blah blah blah". She's frusterated with how I communicate and simply wants me to list what I want. Feels similar to my folks asking me what I want for xmas where actually getting those things feels "coerced". I would spell out everything I want when I simply want her to be more "horney"...which in turn would lead to a lot of these things. It might be the "right" thing to do in our sit, but it feels like a patch instead of a comprehensive solution.
I've discovered that "talking" drives her nuts...so writing is probably the best plan. However, when I write something, I get overly careful about what I write as if it were a legal contract with big consequences. If I don't ask, I might never get...If I ask for something she thinks is wierd, she might just think I'm wierd...(I don't have any dark, hidden desires).
That is the way my H "wins" all the arguements in our house by asking for the "specfics" and "details" of when he said or did anything. But sometimes they need to know why something was not "right" when they thought it was "right" so all you can do is try. I hate that cut to chase stuff and I find if I can write it I can be rehearsed cause I tell you my H always wants to talk about something serious when I am least capable of answering intelligently. Have one thing you know you like all set and the next time speak up.
What it appears you want is what a lot of us guys want, "DESIRE". LD spouses have little to no "desire". I will bet you really don't want specific acts, what you really want is your wife to "DESIRE" sex and intimacy as much as you do. You want to know that the person you are making love wants it as badly as you do. Any person tht can create a drug that would restore desire to women will become the richest person the world has ever known!
What may help in the short term though is to look at the post I made a while bakc and someone else modified. It might give you some ideas. Cemars Guide for LD spouses
Does she have realtional issues with you, do you meet her needs in a way that she actually understands?
Well, we're just now trying to be less autonomous and I'm addressing some things that annoy her...specifically not talking so much. But sometimes I really fear that asking her what her fantasy is will prompt the response "to have you build a new bathroom"...oddly the only guy she's ever perked up for is Steve on This Old House.
Does she have a hypoactive thyroid, depressed, abused etc.
Nope
Does she have body image issues?
Not too bad...but there's a little problem there.
Testosterone Checked She said she talked to her Dr. last year who said she was fine. I might encourage her to do it again.
Coming from the LD woman perspective, I'd say your first shot at figuring out your wife's LD state could be more related to 'respect' than keeping the house clean or adding on a bathroom. I'd say the 'lack of respect' on BOTH the part of you and your wife is contributing to the demise of your love life.
Why do I say that. I personally feel that the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' is more true than any of us are comfortable admitting. I think to a certain degree couples take one another for granted, and in so doing, unwittingly kill the desire between them.
Before I really understood what ML meant to my H, in terms of it being his love language, I allowed my misinterpretation of his need for desire, affection, and sex to develop in me a complete disdain for him as my H, and him as a man. This, in turn, set up reciprocal feelings from him toward me as his wife and as a woman.
Can I site for you countless examples of how he could have changed his approach, his methods of communicating to me his needs, etc.? Yes, of course I can. But sitting here today, I'm not sure they would have made a difference then because I lacked critical understanding of what it meant to be married.
I think both women AND men have an entirely skewed perception of marriage, and what it will take on the part of both parties to stay together and to keep their love alive and thriving. And I think the critical ingredient that is often missing is not love or desire, but respect. True respect fuels desire AND love. Practicing respect for your spouse every day takes a lot of effort, too, because it is just too easy to let it slip, take that spouse for granted because we have vowed to one another to stick around for the rest of our lives... and we both KNOW it. We think to ourselves, "in absence of abuse, addictive behaviors and affairs, I will honor my promise to stay married to this person for the rest of my life." I think that is how a lot of people think of their wedding vows!! In so doing, respect goes flying out the window, not to mention happiness.
Having said all of this, I think you may be attacking the problem from the wrong angle. If you continue to bring up your sex starved state, I think your wife is going to pull farther and farther away from you because she does not understand your need for it. Or, she will begin to barter with you... "you add on the bathroom, I'll give you more sex. You help me clean more, to MY standards, and I'll ML to you more often." And I'll bet the farm, you'll do this, half-heartedly because you know she isn't going to keep up her end of the bargain -- in other words, you don't respect her enough to keep her end of the bargain... and she MAY try at first to ML more often, but it will begin to dwindle because she still takes you for granted, the respect is missing, and the two of you are going to be more pissed off and resentful than had you never made the bargain to begin with.
I'm telling you honestly, at least for me, it wasn't about my H picking up his underware and socks, or doing more around the house -- because in all honesty, he DOES do a lot around here and always has -- it was about me learning HOW to respect my H, and learning how to demonstrate that respect.
Do not sit there and tell me that if she gave you more sex you would respect her more. I'm sure you would. Unfortunately, the respect comes first, and it has to come every day, in countless little ways, in order to keep that desire and love alive.
You figure out the 'respect' issue and I'm willing to bet the SSM state is going to take care of itself.
Dave, as the resident lawyer here, I strongly advise you to have anything review by your crack legal/psycho staff here at the SSM message board prior to releasing said document to your W.
I also have some Qs for your W: Is this document going into Dave's Permanent Record? Is he bound by this document if, later in life, he discovers that he has an as-yet-undiscovered fetish, e.g. he likes to see you dressed up as a French Maid or perhaps Wonder Woman? Can this document be amended if such a fetish develops? Is this document part of a negotiation process, or is it intended to be your H's final statement of his minimum requirements? Will the document remain private, or are you going to share it with your psychologist, your lawyer, your friends, your family, random strangers, Dr. Ruth, The National Enquirer?
Just getting started here...but I guess the point is, there are a lot of pitfalls here. I agree with CeMar in the "how do you say 'I want you to desire me more than you do' without sounding stupid?"
Corri,
There's an element of genius to your post (beyond some good insights) that you may or may not realize...
This thread is about my W wanting a list of "specifics" because I always seem to speak in general terms about more our SSM and then expect her to figure out the "action". I had a hard time empathizing with her until I read your post. You are made some generalizations about respect but by the time I got done reading, I was clueless how to translate it into action. Pretty wild...I see my wife's point.
It's unlikely that "respect" is a major factor in this. It's more than the fact that we have simply operated independently with strong friendship but little passion. There's been plenty of mutual acknowlegment, attention, listening and care given to each other and we've always had a good friendship. The lack of "passion" (good and bad) has made life very easy and peacful as we've never raised our voices or had a "fight" in the 10 years we've been married, heck even in the 6 years while we were dating...or even in th 6 years prior to dating that we knew each other (at 12 years old). This is really the problem I think...her definition of marriage is what I'm describing - a good and peacefull homelife without drama. She is always telling me how much she loves her life and feels like the luckiest person in the world. Every time I hear this, I get frusterated because I don't want to be a buzzkill and tell her how crappy I feel. When I start to explore the inner-workings of our relationship, I get extremely angry inside....maybe your right in that "I'm not being respected" by her...which is seems like the reverse of a lot of other people's situations.
Hairdog, I'm laughing my *ss off. YOU NAILED IT. I actually DID try to write a note about "yet-to-be-known" interests because writing this feels like a "legal" process.
I'm sure you would. Unfortunately, the respect comes first, and it has to come every day, in countless little ways, in order to keep that desire and love alive.