Hi Ss, I have been mostly trying to avoid physical contact with my WAH when I see him as that is a 180 for me. I am normally very huggy. So I don't hug or kiss him hello and I let him try to go for it. If he does I reciprocate.
However the other day he did something nice and I turned around and gave him a big spontaneous hug, you know, like you would normally do to your sweet, wonderful husband (LOL not this jerk who my H has turned into). He seemed really surprised and happy and hugged me back hard. It was not as weird and awkward as I would have thought. I let go and just started talking about something else.
So I say yeah try it. If he doesn't like it then don't do it again, as pilot says.
Thanks guys! i appreciate the encouragement! Who knew I'd need to talk about and plan and prepare myself for a HUG but that's my life now.
So it was Back-To-School-Nite tonight. H stayed with D while I went. In order to look like a pulled-together responsible mother, I straightened my hair and wore it long, got dressed nicely, perfect make up... not for back to school night but for the 3 minutes I'd see H before heading out.
I texted him when I was on my way home and suggested we all meet for ice cream. We had fun and I caught him looking at me. He actually was engaged with me... asking me what ice cream I got, how back to school night was, etc. This is all different behavior since BD. I'm choosing to see it as a plus.
We drove home and he apparently needed to charge his car because instead of hugging D and leaving he said he was just going to be in the studio working for a bit. Ok. No problem.
He stopped and looked at me again. I was going to lean in for a hug but D called for me so I ran upstairs and by the time I came back down he was in the studio.
I was thinking about inviting him in for a glass of wine in a bit. Just to chat about non R stuff. D's school, visitation. I don't want it to be too long... lest we begin to talk about things I don't want to talk about.
Is that a good idea? Bad idea? I was considering inviting him out for sushi again for tomorrow evening... I don't want to do wine tonight (just the 2 of us) and sushi tomorrow (3 of us). Just one. Which one?
Also, I just noticed he put a "psychology appointment" in the calendar and then erased it. I think he put it on the wrong calendar because I saw it and then he moved it onto his private calendar because now I can't find it.
So, he's scheduled for a IC. This is good because he has some serious anger to deal with, he's admitted that. I am also scared, too, though because I'm afraid the IC will tell him divorce is a great idea and that I'm a horrible wife and to get as far away from me as possible. YIKES.
I can't control that though, can I? yuck. I guess I just have to hope he'll get good stuff from the experience but that's a big thing to hope.
sieze the moment ss. If the time is right tonight to have wine, then have wine. If it goes really well, WHILE it is going well, suggest sushi for tomorrow. Maybe not so directly, but something like... 'Remember when we had sushi last XXX i really wish I had tried the XXX roll.' or something like that. If your H has any sense to him, he will get the hint and ask YOU to sushi.
do not put off an opportunity today because maybe he is wanting something today as well, and if it does not happen, he gets in a sour mood because of it (just as we LBS do) which makes tomorrows sushi an even bigger hill to climb.
you can do this!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Fortune favors the bold. Ask him as if it's no big thing and he'd be silly not to.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I asked him about sushi but he declined saying he had to drive into the studio because people were making comments that he's rarely there these days. Ok. At least he didn't say, "I don't want to hang out with you so no", right? Could have been worse. I'll ask again next week perhaps when he has D.
I went into the studio to ask him about sushi, to tell him i got a message from his doctor and to pass that message on and to say goodnight but we ended up talking for about 30 minutes.
He's a negative guy all around so he was mostly doing the talking and complaining about our friends' kids and how some are so whiny and needy. He started to convo saying how proud he was of D7 who is independent and a trooper and that turned into how so many of her friends are not, blah, blah, blah... I think he caught his negativity because he said at the end, "all of this negativity to say that I'm super proud of D7 for being who she is". I just listened. I was kind of disappointed to continue the old style conversations of people bashing and negativity. It's just more of the same but I'll take it.
After our talk I nonchalantly said, "So, I'm off to bed. Wanna hug?" and he said, "Oh, SURE" and it was a nice hug. Tight but not lingering. I'll take it.
He decided to leave the studio at that time. I was upstairs washing my face and I get three texts from H. I check them and he said he'd left his keys inside the house and can't get in (it's a forgetful guy, always has been, he is the poster child for adult ADHD). I tell him I'll be right down. I had no make up on but my hair was brushed out and shiny, I was wearing a white tank sans bra and undies (I was about to hop into bed!). I opened the front door to hand him his keys and he stopped, smiled, said, "oh! now that's a greeting!" I said, "well, I was almost in bed! Here are your keys." and I tossed them at him. He turned around with a smile on his face.
I think there are worse images for him to have in his head as he leaves.
I'm reading The Solo Partner. It's quite profound and exhausts me after about three pages. I noticed that I have trouble doing any of the reactivity worksheets because it's almost like I can't remember what our triggers are. I KNOW one of my biggest problems is how reactive I am and how tightly wound I am when I feel attacked so I know the exercise will be beneficial but I feel like I've changed so much that I can't remember how he reacts when I push his buttons or how I react when he pushes mine. How can I forget so quickly?! I remember how I FEEL inside with the heart pounding and the sweaty palms and the fight or flight response in my body but beyond that my head is blank. Denial? Who knows.
It's still good work to do, that's for sure.
This morning D7 and I had a dance party on the way to school. Earth Wind and Fire's September has a way of sparking a dance craze with us. Plus, she wanted to show me that she had memorized Thrift Shop in its entirety. This mom is so proud (ha!). Off to yoga and to put forth vibes into the Universe of peace, grace and strength (and to hear back about that damn job!).
Taking D7 to school this morning and we were listening to Kool and the Gang's Celebration (she loves funk music so we're exploring that genre - LOL) and there's a line in there about dedication. She asked me what it meant.
D: What does dedication mean? Me: Well it sort of means to stick to something. Like you keep going to karate and working hard and sticking with it... that's dedication. D: So it's like staying together. Me: Yeah. D: Seems like you and dad didn't have a lot of dedication. Me: [shocked silent] D: But you're just separated, not divorced. I really hope you don't get a divorce. Me: Me too, babe. D: I REALLY don't want you to get a divorce. Me: I know, babe, but sometimes adults need plenty of space in order to think about what is best. We're taking that space. I hate that you end up taking that space, too, but I feel like we're all doing a good job of handling it. What do you think? D: Yeah. I just want daddy to move back home so we can be a family again. Be dedicated again. Me: I know.
Ugh, she spends the weekend at H's place and I don't do well when she's not around. It's like her not being around rubs salt in the wound and i can hardly get out of bed. When she's here with me I'm fine. I'm positive, I'm listening to things like Celebration and Walking on Sunshine, I'm GAL, I'm meditating, I'm reading DR and The Solo Partner and working on me and the weak parts of our relationship...
When she's at his place I throw my hair in a pony tail and sit on the couch watching the clock tick until she comes home again.
I'm really concerned about H's IC. I'm just terrified it's going to convince him to file for D.
I'm sorry you have to have those difficult conversations with your D. They aren't pleasant and it's so difficult to watch them struggle. Just remind her how much you and her Dad love her and that she can always come to you with questions.
In regards to your h's IC, some are really thorough and some are just a sounding board listening to make sure someone isn't a harm to themselves or others. Don't worry about what your IC tells your h-he will make his own decision. Much of this will have to do with whether or not your h has the capacity to look within himself and address his thoughts. My h's IC thought he was making a big mistake by not continuing and working on the R. He said I had poisoned her against him and left anyway. They decide what they decide:-)
Have a great weekend! Do something fun:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/12/1403:44 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Ss - I wouldn't worry so much about the IC. You're right, it is out of your control and you know what? It could just as easily end up being a positive. Sure, you hear some horror stories - but there are plenty of instances where it probably helped too.
That was a rough conversation with your daughter. As much as I am trying to let go of my anger and resentment towards H, whenever D makes a comment about missing Daddy, or feeling sorry for him because he is so lonely - I just want to break his nose.
I also hear you about how difficult it is when the kids are gone. Before the BD, I would have given my right arm to have a few days of peace and solitude, but its impossible to enjoy under these unnatural circumstances.
Something broke in me today. I thought I had it all together and was dealing with everything relatively well. I felt grounded and productive and I wasn't going to waste my pain.
Today I wake up and dread taking D to school because that means I won't see her for a while. I cried when I hugged her goodbye today (she didn't see), I cried when I came home and I cried for about 10 minutes at the end of yoga. I just could NOT hold it in. What is that about? I went YEARS without crying at all and now I can't hold it in during yoga? I silently sobbed, tear dripping down my face, nose stuffy, face swelling in a room full of people. What is wrong with me?
If this were all just happening to me, fine. I'd hate it but I'd deal. But D? I just can't get past the pain of that. I want to scoop his heart out with a spoon and serve it to him.
I need to find friends who aren't married. I need to get out more with friends but everyone is having date night or hanging out with their significant others... and I'm here. Alone. Willing to work my arse off for our marriage but here I sit. Alone.
Feeling very sorry for myself right now. It's time like this I wish my BFF lived much closer or my brothers lived nearby. Or any of you lived nearby, we could go get a glass of wine, a flatbread pizza... swap stories, vent a little, express our hope...
I guess we'll just have to do that via the internet.
