Dealing with WAW part 6

[LisaB]

Hey pilot, I'm a pro at mind reading so I'll give it a try. Sounds to me like your W is having mood swings. But yeah I wouldn't take it too personally. Maybe the kids are getting on her nerves, maybe she had an argument with a friend or family member. Or maybe she is annoyed with you. Who knows! But no matter why, just let her have her moody moment and as other people said just be your positive self.

I know when I get in a mood the best thing for others to do is ignore it. Because it passes on its own like a dark cloud. You are mad about something or irritated and then it passes. If there is a reason and she wants to tell you, she will.

I don't think there is a reason to suspect OM, but that could be the case. Maybe that explains her mood swing. But you don't really know so don't assume. But I agree that the gut instinct is often right, alerting you to something amiss. Not necessarily telling you the correct details though. Could be that there is OM bugging her for some reason, positive or negative to your situation. But who knows.

You are doing great with your PMA, GAL etc. Keep on going! Slap a smile on your face like I did today. It was hard but it paid off.

Good luck! Lisa

[pilot]

Ok, so I met W and the kiddos up at the YMCA about 30 minutes before the coaches meeting. S3 went right into the kiddie room. We walked S5 to the kidzone where he likes to play. After getting him checked in, we went outside and chatted about nothing really for about 20 minutes. It was all upbeat, happy, I had a big smile and PMA the entire time. It was relaxed conversation, just not about anything in particular...not that there is anything wrong with that

Turns out W wanted to work out while we were up there so that is why she did not want to eat. Turns out we could use our discount at the sporting goods place today (I got something there earlier, and they were noticeably in short supply of kids soccer stuff) so I suggested we go back up there after the meeting was over. She seemed semi reluctant as she wanted to have the kids in bed by 8, but she said ok. We went up there, and it was a hurried, but ok time. We got both kids all the stuff they needed, and they were really happy to get new soccer stuff. Walked them out to her car, put them in, said good bye to the kiddos. I actually initiated a hug on her and she was receptive. Somehow it came up about when I was to get the kids back. I said I would get them Sunday morning to take them out on the boat. She said she thought I was going to get them Saturday afternoon. I said nah. She told me she was going to be working for her aunt on Sunday down at the beach near where I am, so I figure she will be driving them here in the morning. Knowing she already said she would be working, I suggested she come boating with us. I told her where we would be going (a really fun beach/bar/restaurant area) where you can pull the boat up to and hang out in the water and drink bushwhackers (this place is home of the Bushwhacker Festival). I spent a lot of time up there in my single days in my boat! She looked interested, but did not say anything one way or the other. I fully expect her not to, as she is working. Mostly did it to alleviate any concerns she may have that I might be going with LF. Who knows...maybe she will end up wanting to go and work it out where she can.

Funny thing about LF I thought of today. A month or so ago when I went to the beach with LF, we bought mich ultra beers for the beach. NOT my beer of choice, but hers. Well, a week or so later, I went to the beach with W, and when she went to get a beer out of the cooler, I had a bunch of the ultras in there. She asked me why I had those. Only struck me as funny now that she would ask. Is that one of those things a girl notices?

[pilot]

Lisa,

Thanks for your reply!! It could very well be mood swings, or it could be something else. All I can do is control me, and put on a positive me. I think i did that tonight.

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, so I met W and the kiddos up at the YMCA about 30 minutes before the coaches meeting. S3 went right into the kiddie room. We walked S5 to the kidzone where he likes to play. After getting him checked in, we went outside and chatted about nothing really for about 20 minutes. It was all upbeat, happy, I had a big smile and PMA the entire time. It was relaxed conversation, just not about anything in particular...not that there is anything wrong with that

Turns out W wanted to work out while we were up there so that is why she did not want to eat. Turns out we could use our discount at the sporting goods place today (I got something there earlier, and they were noticeably in short supply of kids soccer stuff) so I suggested we go back up there after the meeting was over. She seemed semi reluctant as she wanted to have the kids in bed by 8, but she said ok. We went up there, and it was a hurried, but ok time. We got both kids all the stuff they needed, and they were really happy to get new soccer stuff. Walked them out to her car, put them in, said good bye to the kiddos.

So, "TURNS OUT" your gut was way off....right? She had a boring but valid reason for what she said and it meant Nothing about an OM.

To me this is a teachable moment I hope you won't ignore...


I actually initiated a hug on her and she was receptive.

okay but why? I'm a bit fuzzy about where we are with this pursuit versus showing her indifference but isn't a hug you initiate, Not so great an idea? Thank God she was receptive or you'd be spinning. Now, expect some pull back from her b/c she won't want you to "assume".

And please don't forget how you pushed for the divorce, a lot, and you can't really say you "took it back," b/c you SAID you wanted to.
...

Somehow it came up about when I was to get the kids back. I said I would get them Sunday morning to take them out on the boat. She said she thought I was going to get them Saturday afternoon. I said nah. She told me she was going to be working for her aunt on Sunday down at the beach near where I am, so I figure she will be driving them here in the morning. Knowing she already said she would be working, I suggested she come boating with us.

I'm confused. You invited her knowing she could not accept and if she really wanted to, she'd have to change around a bunch of arrangements and leave her aunt in the lurch? But is it that you just wanted her to know you were not going to have another woman with you again? IS that your reasoning? Geez, you do spend energy on manipulating outcomes...do you see all the maneuvering here?

I don't know that it's "wrong", per se. It just strikes me as not really authentic or too gamey. I could be wrong. Just a GUT thing.



I told her where we would be going (a really fun beach/bar/restaurant area) where you can pull the boat up to and hang out in the water and drink bushwhackers (this place is home of the Bushwhacker Festival). I spent a lot of time up there in my single days in my boat! She looked interested, but did not say anything one way or the other. I fully expect her not to, as she is working.

how could she accept then and there even if she wanted to?


Mostly did it to alleviate any concerns she may have that I might be going with LF. Who knows...maybe she will end up wanting to go and work it out where she can.

Really??

Funny thing about LF I thought of today. A month or so ago when I went to the beach with LF, we bought mich ultra beers for the beach. NOT my beer of choice, but hers. Well, a week or so later, I went to the beach with W, and when she went to get a beer out of the cooler, I had a bunch of the ultras in there. She asked me why I had those. Only struck me as funny now that she would ask. Is that one of those things a girl notices?

I'm afraid to say "yes" b/c I think you'll start putting ultra mich's all around. What did you say to her?

BTW, What was the LF doing in your boat? If the situation were reversed, and she had OM in a boat driving around and had "his" beer still there, you would assume it was a date, like the rest of the world would assume...

Anyhow, yes i would notice that if it were me, b/c I do drink that beer, and my h and son27 scoff at it.

[igit]

Way to go pilot. Sounds like a good day for you. You even got a hug. Nice! That's funny about wife quizzing you on beers in cooler. Yes I bet she was thinking hmm mich.ultra Pilot doesn't drink those..hmm and there are some left in cooler,, hmm must be a LF brand...don't kid yourself she was thinking that! I saw the hottie at bank today. Needed to get some $$ for L. Ouch! Anyway she had a new haircut told her i liked it! Big smile and thank you! Hah! Anyway nothing wrong with a little compliment. It kills me seeing my w in this craziness. She really is a 10 on the eyes. 48 looks 35. But nuts rt now! Oh well I feel like I have rt game plan with LRT. Really need to act like it is what it is and I will be good no matter what.hah

[pilot]

So, "TURNS OUT" your gut was way off....right? She had a boring but valid reason for what she said and it meant Nothing about an OM.

To me this is a teachable moment I hope you won't ignore...[/color]

Maybe, maybe not. There really is no way of knowing WHY she did not want to have dinner. Working out could have been something she did just to pass the time while letting the kids play and see me for a bit. No mind reading

I actually initiated a hug on her and she was receptive.

okay but why? I'm a bit fuzzy about where we are with this pursuit versus showing her indifference but isn't a hug you initiate, Not so great an idea? Thank God she was receptive or you'd be spinning. Now, expect some pull back from her b/c she won't want you to "assume".

And please don't forget how you pushed for the divorce, a lot, and you can't really say you "took it back," b/c you SAID you wanted to.
...

I honestly have no idea what you mean here

I'm confused. You invited her knowing she could not accept and if she really wanted to, she'd have to change around a bunch of arrangements and leave her aunt in the lurch? But is it that you just wanted her to know you were not going to have another woman with you again? IS that your reasoning? Geez, you do spend energy on manipulating outcomes...do you see all the maneuvering here?

I don't know that it's "wrong", per se. It just strikes me as not really authentic or too gamey. I could be wrong. Just a GUT thing.

[/color]

Perhaps I was not clear or what I typed was easily misunderstood. Yes, I knew she had planned on working with her aunt this Sunday prior to me asking her to come on the boat. One of the main reasons I asked her to come along, and I believe I phrased it after finding out she was working was something like "oh, well, I was gonna say you should come boating with us because it is going to be a lot of fun"...etc. No manipulation intended. Last week when the boat trip first came up I phrased it like "WE are renting a boat to go to...." and "WE want to take the kids out on the boat..." This was when my mood was sour, and I was still in the 'its ok if she thinks I am moving on with someone else' phase. I was ok with, and almost encouraging her to THINK there was someone else. I journaled about this. By inviting her, I am letting her know there is not another LF going along, and she did ask if our mutual friends with kids were going, and I said yes. I say mostly, because part of me would like it if she went. Therefore, I could not say my SOLE reason... Believe me, I spent zero energy manipulating. This was spur of the moment conversation. Had I had a few seconds to think I probably would have not asked because of the 'pursuit' angle. I just saw an opportunity to maybe try and undo some of the damage I probably did by artificially inserting a LF over the past few weeks.

how could she accept then and there even if she wanted to?[/color]

she could. remember, over the summer when I was up at her house visiting, she had asked me if I was going to stay multiple days. I said prob just one night. We had some troubles. I was going to leave that morning, then something happened and we spent the next 2 hours or so cuddled on the couch. I eventually said if she wanted, I would stay and take her out on date that night. She went into her room and made phone calls to try and find someone to cover for her at her job that night. She has made the effort in the past. She has it in her. I am not expecting her to though. If she does, it will be a positive. If she does not, it is not necessarily a negative.

I'm afraid to say "yes" b/c I think you'll start putting ultra mich's all around. What did you say to her?

Haha...very funny. I simply meant it never occurred to me when she asked me that she might be 'searching' for something other than plain interest in my choice of beverage consumption.

BTW, What was the LF doing in your boat? If the situation were reversed, and she had OM in a boat driving around and had "his" beer still there, you would assume it was a date, like the rest of the world would assume...

I do not have a boat. The beer was in my fridge from the previous week. I simply put the extra beers in the cooler before my W and I went to the beach. I typically drink Coors light (TWINS!) So me having Ultra was something different. I think I said something along the lines of I was trying something different...which in large part, is true. I was trying a different beer.

[LisaB]

Pilot it sounds like you did well! And yes she was surprised to see a different type of beer and probably assumed it was from LF. For sure that is the way we ladies usually think. Did she care? Who knows.
When I was at my WAH's house I noticed that there were lots of empty wine bottles in the recycling and several bottles of booze on the counter and in the fridge. Since he doesn't drink alone I know it is with OW or other dates. Anyway we ladies notice these things.
Have a great time on the boat! Hugs, Lisa

[pilot]

Haha whoops Lisa. So looking back maybe there was a little TOO much 'hint' of me moving on with someone else. No wonder she is grumpy at me. Hah.

I hope you are doing well!

[igit]

Pilot- hope all is well with you! How was soccer! I am having tuff time here last few days! Not sure what direction to take!
I am giving the LRT a go here. I saw W for a few minutes yesterday before I took kiddies to ice cream social. asked her if she wanted to join us and she declined said she wasn't hungry. got home and she took off to store with twins. I am going to go away for 3 days in a few weeks a thur-sat night retreat. a walk in faith deal. I tell you it is only thing keeping me sane rt now. I got 3 sheets from school both twins are acting up at school rt now. my wife saw and signed them. I am not going to bring up to her she can see with her own eyes what is happening. I am going to meet with principal Monday and fill her in on what is going on. <not sure if I should tell wife or not> any suggestions on that one! Anyway it is getting real rt now the consequences and reality of what future might bring! I will have some short hearings in next 2 or 3 weeks with both W and I in front of judge. I am going to keep positive and try to appear strong! I know my W and she will have a hard time with it! So keep the post coming! You have been a big help!

[pilot]

igit, The soccer meeting went well! I am so excited about this. I am even more excited that they really expect you to coach...even to the 3 year olds. In our old town when my oldest was 3 and did the YMCA soccer, it was just herding cats...no coaching before games or anything. Here, they have 5 days of practice (1 hour each) before the first game. So I will have to develop a coaching plan that will keep 3 year olds entertained, as well as learning, for an hour. Same with the 5 year old team. But I could not be happier!!!

Good to hear you are getting away for a few days. It should help keep you sane! I see no problem with explaining to the teacher/principal about your pending D. It will help them understand the turmoil in your kids' lives right now. I would not feel the need to bring W in on that conversation. Let her parent on her own. I am sure your W will feel the stress of the hearings in front of a judge, and it definitely will make things more real. Be strong, but be open. I have read this is a time where many WAS really give it a second thought....