Chapter 3: I think I'll try defying gravity

[juliegayle]

Thanks Shining and GB. LT and Matt thanks for the reminder that there are good men our there!

I realize I sound very bipolar when I describ my marriage. There were really what I believed to be some wonderful times. We had so much fun together. We laughed all the time. Right before BD we had signed up for this app where you send each other love coupons and rate your acts of living kindness to each other daily. It was sweet and romantic. Those were the parts of my marriage I was clinging to and standing for.

Then there were the times he was a terror and I was afraid. Those times always involved alcohol. I can't believe how much I minimized those times and tried to excuse his behavior.

In reality none of that matters. What matters is now. And now he is a cruel person. Maybe this isn't MLC. Maybe he has some mental illness. Maybe the drinking has caught up with him. It doesn't really matter why.

He may very well be gay (now. I will never believe he did not have A with OW). I know another couple where the h admitted he was gay after years together and 2 kids. He never was cruel. He never raged. They had an amicable divorce and are wonderful coparents. H sexuAL orientation does not explain or excuse the things he had said and done this past year.

I have a lot of things to figure out but from this moment I will not engage unless re: s. He is rarely at home so that should be doable. This morning I was tempted to text him about not making lunch for s. He does every morning but did not today. I counted to 10 and stopped myself.