FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Interactions with W seems so easy and few at the moment. All interactions are still pleasant and fine but I haven’t spoken with W for 8-10 days. We have texted a little about practicals but other than that – nothing.
I now have more days where she is not the first thought in my mind than the other way around.

I feel my self-confidence and self-worth returning and I feel people around me enjoying my company. I get so many positive strokes from all around these days that it seems crazy.
I know I have written about this several times before but I simply can’t find the words to describe what goes on and how it makes me feel. I have an appointment at shrink next week and for the first time in 1½ year I believe I can tell her that I am a happy man and believe in the words myself.
Next task for me is to make sure that this stays in me for the rest of my life and that will be my next task with shrink. Furthermore I want to keep on educating and changing me.
I will change my view on shrink from somebody that helps me get through troubled times to somebody that helps me stay on the path.

I have thought a lot about the above for the past days and at first I thought the new woman was a catalyst towards these feelings but now I believe that this has been sneaking in on me for several months. I simply haven’t seen or recognized the signs of me feeling better and better. Looking back I realize that friends, shrink, business partners and others has seen it and they have told me – I just didn’t want to see, hear or believe.
New woman has pushed this process but she didn’t start it.
I believe that I have taken a new step in this process several weeks ago but as always I am the last one to see it! I don’t know if I am totally detached or if the rope is gone – if not, I am certainly getting closer!


I have seen new woman twice more and we have ML.
It is so hard working next to her and pretending she is just an employee or co-worker but we both manage OK at the moment. She will stop working here in three weeks.

My insecurity is gone but on a sexual level I am certainly not functioning as I used to. That goes for body and brain.
On the brain-level I find myself caring more about her feeling good, safe and secure than I ever had with anybody. The actual cuddling (I believe this is the word but I am not sure) was second, third or lower. I wanted her to feel good.
I did – she has told me, on more than one occasion, that she is experiencing a feeling of security that she has never felt before. She just felt good and like I was respecting and caring for her. She felt safe. She told me that I signals strength, I come out deliberate, thoughtful, caring and many other positive things – and that I am a great kisser That these things add up to her wanting to ML and to be honest she initiates all. I took the first step when kissing her the first time but from thereon she has been initiating.
I see all the things I have been reading about women acted out. Foreplay is talk and touch and if you do that from a truthful and honest place….the rest takes care of itself (or she does)
I understand that she is on to me and that she is only seeing positives at the moment, but still this is what she told me. Compared to all my thoughts for the past year and until few weeks ago this seems crazy. I can have this impact on a stranger I am not a shadow anymore.

This is also so opposite to old me! I stalked W for sex (not ML!!) I cared about me!
It is also so completely opposite to what I got used to hearing from W. I can surely see why W told me what she did but when hearing the same thing over and over I actually starts to believe it and then I start acting it. It is a vicious circle that only leads downwards and I let it happen.
I understand the difference between new and old partners –but this is more than just that. So much more!
Best part is that I don’t act-as-if, I don’t think about my words or doings – it just comes natural to me!


My body doesn’t work as it used to. It might be due to the fact that I haven’t been naked with a woman for 20 or more months or it might be due to the totally changed focus. I could see and feel that my physical lack of reactions made her feel insecure, so I told her in few words that it wasn’t her but me. I told her that I might need some time to get used to a woman’s attention. That time and patience is important words in my life!
We met up again yesterday and the day before. Body worked better but still nothing like it used to. I had the exact same experience with my focus once again.


The upcoming weekend is filled with good stuff!
Future looks bright!
Still need financials sorted out!
I still have absolutely no idea where all of this will take be but I am certain that it will be to a good place as long as I stick with my new knowledge and new ways!


SANDI,
I don’t know how to comment on your latest post because I read some irony or likewise in it that might be due to language So I have decided just to take it straight on as if there is no irony in it.

You are completely right! My insecurity disappeared instantly. I do hope the above explains my thoughts on this matter.


LTH,
Due to your last post a had a long talk with the educated adults at D5’s kindergarten yesterday. They experience her troubles on shifting days first hand and without me telling about my decisions they told me:
That D5 is hurting a lot on these days. That she needs these days in a firm schedule in regards of pickup time, eating time, bedtime and so on. That she needs peace these days. When I told them about D7s karate and what kind of schedule that would put on D5 they told in very strict words that in their opinion that would be a no-go for now.
They know D7 as well.
Thanks LTH