I believe I mentioned before that I left my h because he was unemotionally available and emotionally neglectful of his sons and I. I did not file at that time. One month later after less and less contact from h, him partying, drinking, etc, I came to our house and for some strange reason decided to look in his gym bag and found condomns (he has a vasectomy). When I confronted him he said he didn't need to explain nothing to me, didn't use but then the condoms were back in his bag the next day.
Ok, folks got a shark in the waters of paradise. Don't know how to approach this, may just be overeacting or something. But here goes:
Sunday h mentioned he was thinking of going to a concert monday night. I said which one, he pointed it out in the magazine. Then I asked who with. He said some guys from work, rattled off some dudes' names. I said any gals he said well maybe they'll be bringing their girlfriends but no girls that I know of. I let it go. He didn't ask me to go with him and I didn't ask to go.
So Monday night at 1030pm I get a call from his cell no one answers it but I hear the music. So I call him back, he's in the middle of the concert says he'll call me tomorrow. I say ok. But now I'm wide a wake. So at midnight I call him, he's in the car driving says they are done with concert. I hear loud voices in the car, singing drunkenly, I say what is that noise? He says friends from work. I said sounds like it was fun he says it was so I say well I'm going to get my own tickets and go on Friday. He says well you should have told me you wanted to go you could have. I said well I thought you told me it was just a guy thing...he said no girls always go with us!
Ok, so now I'm hot. I think he out and out lied to me plus didn't invite me. He lied about women being there. It sounded like he was dropping these women off at their place last night.
Now I know he had another SINGLE guy in the car, maybe the women were for him but I'm totally bugging about all this. What should I say?
Nothing, then get my own tickets to a concert? Go out this Friday without him? What?
Ok after discussion with a gal pal, I find that as a result of this concert fiasco I need to be more clear about what I want from h. I guess asking if other gals were going didn't indicate to him that I was hinting at wanting to go too.
I talked to h this am after getting his voicemail. I told him I was sorry for not being more clear about wanting to go with him to the concert. I told him that I had ASSUMED it was a guys night out when he said no gals were going. H said well next time just let me know you are interested and you can go!
I said I had my feelings hurt too when he said he had gals in the car. He said what girls, I didn't say anything about girls. I said oh, ok must have misunderstood you last night then.
He must have been drunk cause he doesn't remember saying anything about other gals. There were 5 guys in the car with him...no women he says!!!
So apparently even if other guys aren't bringing their gals my h will let me go!
Ok so now do I could ahead and get those Melissa Ethridge tickets and go on a gals night out!? I was doing it meanly before but now I want to go...maybe take h too cause he was only misunderstood !
It's clear sailing again...lesson learned say what I mean, ask for what I want!
I do the same thing with my H, rather than come right out and ask I hint around, get details, get a feel for who's going not going and then ASSume I'm not wanted. But, then other times I just invite myself!
Lets see how the WINNING Cindy would have handled the sitch better so that she does not give off the IMPORTANT impression that she does not TRUST her H..which as we know, can be fatal to any M, especially one with your history..
Quote: OK, so now I'm hot. I think he out and out lied to me plus didn't invite me. He lied about women being there. It sounded like he was dropping these women off at their place last night.
First off the WINNING Cindy does not call back at midnight AFTER her H says he'll call her tomorrow, thats the suspicious "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO" Cindy which very few guys would be attracted to...for obvious reasons..not exactly a good move..he didn't lie to you, he maintained from the get go, he wasn't sure if girl friends were going or not, so to be honest, cut him some slack and try and be more TRUSTING ..if it becomes CLEAR that he takes advantage of that trust, then you deal with it..
Quote: I told him I was sorry about not being more clear about wanting to go to the concert with him.
C'mon Cindy, you and I both know that it was a concert he knew he was going to. If he REALLY WANTED you to go, he would of asked you..he didn't and now its your responsibility to INVITE yourself? Should you really have to drop hints? The WINNING Cindy does not apologize for that, she just says "glad you had a good time with the guys, me and my friends are going to the show FRIDAY NIGHT and we're going to have a BLAST..". DONE. Thats CONFIDENCE, thats INDEPENDANCE, and that is what works to keep him at bay, not telling him you're feelings were hurt about this and that...ya gotta be a little less FRAGILE when things don't go your way all the time..
Quote: I find that as a result of this fiasco I need to be more clear about what I want from H.
Well, OK, if you say so..go ahead..as long as you know him well enough to assume that he WANTS the same thing you do all the time...
By ALL MEANS, go the show with your gal pals friday night..ABSOLUTELY..
I take back the Invite myself line...it's only if he's going to wal-mart, to his parents, nothing major like a concert. For major activities drinking with the boys, gander mountain with the guys, a hockey game with the boys, then I don't invite myself.
Yes, that is the crux of the matter...lack of trust in my h.
Quote: thats the suspicious "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO" Cindy which very few guys would be attracted to...for obvious reasons..not exactly a good move..
In retrospect, I see this was not a good move! Absolutely need to avoid next time!!!!
Quote: C'mon Cindy, you and I both know that it was a concert he knew he was going to. If he REALLY WANTED you to go, he would of asked you..he didn't and now its your responsibility to INVITE yourself?
Could he be so insecure that he would not invite me? Fear of rejection? But you are right why do I have to drop hints? Why not just come out and ask if I can go if not well then I make other plans!
Quote: Thats CONFIDENCE, thats INDEPENDANCE, and that is what works to keep him at bay, not telling him you're feelings were hurt about this and that...ya gotta be a little less FRAGILE when things don't go your way all the time..
You are right AGAIN! Need to be less fragile!
You are correct that assuming he wants what I want all the time would be hurtful to our m. Most of the time if he wants me with him he comes out and asks...doesn't take no for an answer usually. So I don't know what he means by 'well next time act like you are interested and you can go' but doesn't ask me to go?!
Am I just stupid? Or is he trying not to hurt my feelings by saying hey this is a guy thing don't come?
Once again, Wiley hit the nail on the head. You have to present the condifent, upbeat, non-suspiciuos Cindy to H at all times. It's funny, even tho things are sailing so well for you and H....that new DBing style is life-long. It's easier to see from the outside, than when dealing with a sitch with your H that brings back all the past suspitions. UGH. Hang on, tho, you recovered and are doing great. REad that book Wiley suggested....Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. Especially now, that you two are really peicing things back in your m. Stay focused, stay strong and enjoy the ride back to happiness.
Was viewing some posts to catch up on everyone. Wow, it's been a while since I've posted.
Things are going well. I'm amazed at the progress being made as I learn to be my own person and stop obsessing about h. i haven't got it down pat but it's better than it's been in recent days.
I just let go, give the benefit of the doubt, and don't get frazzled about the little things. Oh, being appreciative of his little and big efforts goes along way!
You guys are awesome...even those in difficult situations! Yes even you! I'm amazed at the resilience of the human nature...how strong we can be in the face of adversity, keep going when the going gets tough and still manage to smile or give cheer to someone else!
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