What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for your comment sandi, I'll look forward to any advice you can offer.

Just so I know, so far I've counted FOUR different threads started by you...then abandoned, which is odd and which makes it SO HARD for us to follow your story, or advise you well.

Are there any more out there? And can you stick to just ONE thread?

When it gets too long, you can begin a "sequel" but it'll be much easier for us to follow and help you...okay?

And don't feel judged. When I first came here I didnt' know how to start a thread so I jumped into other people's threads and "hijacked" them, which is a no no.

So, stick to one and until you tell me otherwise OR until I figure it out, I'll assume this is it, okay? Let me know if I'm wrong (Unless I figure it out all by myself!)

I'm 28 and my wife is 27 we have been together 10 years and married for only 2. I've always felt we had a very healthy relationship, we would do a lot of things together, with friends and with both our families. Shortly after we got married we tried to have kids and found out I have poor sperm and it would be unlikely to conceive naturally. We tried ivf and after that failed we found out that my wife might have issues as well. While we waited for the test results to come back my wife began going out more and started drinking (something she hadn't done while we were trying). About a month ago she told me she no longer loved me and that she was starting to have feelings for someone else. I don't know if she ever said the D word but it is definitely implied. She has since moved out of our bed and into the guest room as well as stopped speaking to me and avoids me as much as possible.

I'm not innocent in all of this I've been an avid gamer my entire life and often would put games before her needs. I realize now I have an addiction and quit immediately after realizing how bad things had gotten.

What would SHE SAY IF SHE WERE HERE and told us, privately, what HER concerns or complaints about the marriage were? Do your best on this occasion to mind read but base it as much as possible, on things she has actually told you.

AND OF THOSE COMPLAINTS --

which ones, if any, would YOU like to work on?

I've been trying to follow the rules and just give her space but I feel her drifting further away with no reason to ever return.


Why do you say that You offer her "no reason to return"? Really? Be fair to her and be fair to yourself.

She is very needy Meaning what? I suggest you read The Five Love Languages by Chapman and tell us what HER love languages are and what YOURS are....do you give love to her in ways she wants/needs to receive it? Some of us miss each other.

My h's love languages (LLs) are a words of affirmation (compliments) and touch. I'm a quality time together and acts of service woman. SO I need from him TIME and GESTURES of love or service (change the oil in my car, fix something)

and he is an MD and lacks time for us and for a lot of time consuming gestures....so we have to work at this more than some.

But I know he loves me in HIS WAY.

Sometimes the gift of love is not "wrapped" how we like it, but it's still a gift. Do you know what I mean?

Here's an Example...I do stand up comedy as an avocation, ie. a passionate hobby. H goes to my shows and he has a good loud laugh - and he laughs at my jokes....which he has heard 300 times.

For ME, that is showing me love. It's not romantic, per se. But I feel it and I appreciate it. It warms my heart.

It's a little example, but do you get it? He is sending me love in a way I DO receive it, and I give him back massages -- things he LOVES getting from me, so I give them to him.

As superficial as the book seemed, it was a good teaching point for us. I highly recommend it and would add ONE caveat...no one love language is morally superior to another. Okay? We simply differ in how we show love AND how we receive it. i receive love the most in some ways that I don't necessarily always give it. Though h loves Getting words of affirmation. he could be more effusive with his words to me, to tell you the truth. He LOVES getting back massages but after 3-4 minutes of giving them, he's down for the count, if you catch my drift...



so I'm not sure if space is the right method or if i should try to support her and beg her to give us a chance, she is a good person and doesn't want to see me hurt.

No begging, really ever. Supporting her is not the same as begging for another chance. But more on that later....I still have another thread to read! Please tell me if this is the last one!

hey I don't mean to harp about the thread count...i hijacked a lot When i was first here.. I'm really just trying to figure out where to spend my time posting to you most effectively, okay?

Carry on, and do NOT lose hope. AND HECK YES There is hope.