What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

I promise to read your whole thread before going into deep details, b/c how can I give you specific advice without knowing ALL the facts?

Yet I feel compelled to address something simple, & upfront now, before going any further.

(See Notes below)

I've been following the guide for a little less then a month now, giving space, detaching and GAL. It's been going very well for me and my wife has noticed, she often says why didn't you do this years ago.

B/c you have had an awakening now (and though you cannot tell HER this, the fact remains that it IS better late than never), and you are glad to finally be making the changes you always needed and wanted to make - to be the man YOU want to become, the man she deserves, the man you were meant to be...


However, when ever we talk it always comes down to the same thing, she doesn't want to give us another chance because she doesn't want to give up the OM she has fallen in "love" with.

Is there anything else I can do to stop the EA from becoming a PA and ruining our marriage forever?

The REAL reason you cannot stop her from anything is b/c you do not control her OR him. You only control you.

Oh Sure, SURE!! You've heard that 100 times already. And yet...still, a part of you, deep down resists that statement....but when you REALLY GET THIS ---that you only control YOU - and that you are responsible for you and your actions (& you cannot blame HER or OM or anyone else for the choices YOU make)

your life will startle you at first...perhaps even terrify you. But in time you will feel EMPOWERED -- b/c you & you alone will be in charge of your life and your happiness.

And that's how it was always supposed to be.


I'm guessing no as the first scoop of ice cream is always better and more interesting then the last.

I don't see the value or truth in that^^^ "proverb", and probably would dismiss it as shallow, though I know you meant it to be light hearted.

I say Familiarity often breeds COMFORT, not always contempt. When I dated OMs while sep, sure, there was SOME excitement in how the OM might kiss or hold my hand or dance...

but there was also a yearning for the man who KNOWS me better than any other man. Who knows the music I love, the dance move I cannot make ever since my knee gave out, the dance move I LOVE to make, the foods I crave, the films I thick are tacky, versus erotic, ETC I yearned for the man to KNOW me.

I met some good men out there, and that was encouraging b/c I learned that they are out there. I still "have it" and I would not be all alone if we were to divorce. So I'm married today by CHOICE. I was not trapped or stuck....and that makes it a lot sweeter for me.

AND in truth my h and I are very well suited for each other. I learned that a long time ago but dating OMs mostly reinforced that.
And fwiw, I did not sleep with any of them though I was presented with the opportunity and was at times, tempted.

It's complicated, especially for women. Maybe if I'd been drunk and met someone at a bar or on a business trip (& the odds of that are ALMOST nil, but hey, in theory, sure...)

but like most women over 40, it takes a certain level of comfort AND yes -familiarity and Trust, to be alright in that intimate a situation. I've had children, and there are pregnancy stretch marks...you get the picture.

So don't trivialize what it would likely take for her to do that.

And now, moving on...to the rest of your thread...