Oh my goodness. What would I do without you guys? Seriously! Geez Louise!
Heather, sometimes you just have a way of words.... and that last line... whew. That was a good one. Very poignant! I ran upstairs and told my son that as soon as I read it. It makes a lot of sense and I think that is what I have been doing! It is not necessarily that I have been standing, I have been waiting for him to heal me. To rectify the situation. Hmmmm... very insightful!
Shining- you always make me smile. You are so full of words of encouragement. And really, there are no words harsh enough to even begin to describe those two (fill in the blank, here), as far as I'm concerned. And you know what? It was really like he did want me to verbally abuse him or something. I really don't know who this guy is. Truly. I just don't. He is so far gone... it is weird. I wonder if it is weird for him to look at me through these new eyes? I mean I know he has probably been able to create me as this creature in his mind, however he wanted, especially since we haven't talked in months and haven't been in a room together like that, facing each other, to boot. But I wonder if my familiarity was weird for him. I am the same (different a little) but the core of me is the same. I wonder if it was weird to see me for who I am, like for real in person? I definitely looked at him differently. There was a major disconnect. For a second, I looked at him from a different perspective. I wondered what the other people in the room though of this guy, people who didn't know him. I was like, they must be thinking, "What a jerk this guy is." And you know what? One of s's coaches was in there. He told s after that xh was pi$$ing him off. Basically he couldn't believe how cold and unaccountable xh was, especially since it was about how badly s is hurting. Xh has really got to be struggling with some of this right now. If not, he is hopeless.
Bright- I unloaded alright! And I've got to say, painful and destructive is an understatement. One of the reasons I haven't gone off on hww is because the thought of xh protecting or standing up for her against me would kill me. That has definitely kept me in check. However, I have to agree with you, and it has been my savior... I feel that karma will take care of it for me. I don't have to say a word. (But I would love to). I also think you are right- I think this is just the beginning for him.
What a couple of days. I really haven't even given the full picture here. There is still a lot more going on. I am exhausted or something. I don't know. Nothing phases me anymore. I think if someone called and said, "Hey, a spaceship just landed on your house and smashed it to pieces." I would probably be like, "OK, I will take care of it when I get there." It is like nothing even phases me. Outside of my emotional interaction with xh this week, it is just like, carry on, girl.
Am I falling apart or are these the steps to rebuilding?
Thanks, guys, for being there for me. It has been a tough go this week. I am grateful for you... wherever you are!
