Here I go. This comes with lots of love, even if my stuffy nose and exhaustion prevent me from selecting my words as carefully as you!
I was a bit confused by your back and forth over the lunch... because recently you had mentioned you were stepping back, taking time for yourself. And then, suddenly there was a lot of deliberating over sharing a meal.
You have such clarity and compassion for others-- and it seems harder for you to speak to yourself with that compassionate voice. I wonder why that is.
It is totally reasonable for you to say (to yourself, and to him) that you don't want to have lunch with him at this point. It's totally reasonable for you to say that you aren't sure you want to reconcile, even if that opportunity presented itself.
I think that the term "DB" is really best used in the larger sense-- there are strategies we can use to make an ok/starting to go downhill turn around and be/stay strong. But I think when you're in our position-- he's GONE-- it's kind of a different story. I'm here for a few reasons: 1) Maybe my H will change his mind. I'm certainly not counting on it, and I'm not at all sure that's what I want (he'd need to make some changes too, hello). I'd like it to be my choice, so that is another reason why I'm here. 2) But probably the bigger reason I'm here is to become the best ME-- on my own and definitely in my next R. And this forum is filled with people experiencing similar feelings and situations-- I don't have a group like this IRL.
So, Maybell, don't you dare apologize! This is a pretty safe place to express thoughts like, "I'm not sure I want to be married to my H who cheated on me."!! There is no judgment here.
We're all rooting for you, whatever you choose. xo
