Hi Cali, First off I'd like to say I think you're doing a great job. W is clearly interested in you, and not that far gone. But she's really in a bad place right now, overwhelmed with lots of pain and confusion. She's doing the best she can. She needs someone to understand and help her through this. If not you then maybe OM?
IDK, but that's the way I look at it.
You say when you and her connect and then she later pulls back you feel hurt. This is understandable... but you control that. Adjust your expectations and change your perspective.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Teach yourself to focus on the big picture, the end goal... not the fleeting feelings that come and go everyday.
Going as dark as possible can seem like manipulation. Your W is clearly not liking it. Is not contacting W truly what you want, or are you doing it for effect? Or because you haven't yet found a way to deal with your disappointment when she pulls back? Something to think about.
Hey, I understand not wanting to bake her any cakes, and if OM is in the picture that absolutely SHOULD affect your course of action. But if building a new M together is what you desire then you have to allow her to SEE something that would entice her to want that.
Forever .... thank you... so much ... I have been struggling with this and in my heart of hearts ... detaching and going dark I think served its purpose and has brought me to this point. I do believe that OM is out of the picture ... however I can not confirm .. nor ask ... and when I did bring up the NC letter a few weeks ago she viewed this as me controlling her .. something she has felt over the years .. but not something I think I really did in all honesty.
I do agree with you, and maybe this is a chance to show her the new me even more so. Like you said .. she does seem interested, and of course very cautious and I know I must take things slow as hard as it is to do. But I do feel that I have made progress, and she has finally started poking her head out a bit.
Maybe this is covered somewhere .... but how does one transition from Dark and LRT ... toward starting to connect again .... through all this she has changed so much and I know our old M died with the BD last year, I am all for a new and better relationship/M with her and willing to put in all the work required, but for now ... we have to connect again, have to see if the new versions of us have chemistry, I do see little glimpses of the girl I loved, but I know there are so many things we have to fix to avoid this ever happening again, who knows if we can make it .. but after 24 years I know I still want to grow old with her.
