Sorry I didnt let those things slip by....NOT! LOL!
So, fear was, and still is at times, my biggest problem, hurdle, nemisis. It is my kryptonite for sure.
I had it all...fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment, fear of disapproval. There wasnt a fear I didnt feel.
I wanted to find out why I was so fearful. My therapist and I talked about it ad naseum. It had to do with my childhood, of course, and a whole host of other things.
Because of my mom's drinking I learned to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If she was in a goofy happy drunk mood when we got home from school, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it would change dramatically. If she was grumpy ,we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned to not trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.
At one point, my therapist said, "Sometimes it doesnt matter why you fear because knowing why isnt going to make it stop. Just doing it is what is. Just walking into it. Facing it. Realizing that regret is bigger than fear. Understanding that most of what we fear doesnt come true. Sometimes you just have to take the first step even when you dont see the whole staircase."
I would be lying if I told you that was all it took. I would be lying if I told you that I still dont have fear.
But I feared I wouldnt make it through this and I did.
I think you should explore the feelings you have, S. Try to dig deep. Write it all down. Go back to when you first remember feeling that way. It's important to try to understand and its important to just walk through it.
