Keeping it real

[Zues126]

OK, I'm out of the house again but keeping a CLOSE eye on things. I will be there again tonight, and will very attentive to any signs of concern.

As for STBX, I'm not saying I've let go of the rope...but it's clear she has some serious issues to sort through and I don't need to be along for the ride. I can tell you first hand that I've bottomed out in life before, and afterwards I tend to be a bit humble, a bit soft spoken, and maybe a bit cautious about taking assertive action because I'm not as confident and am afraid of causing further harm. My STBX is the opposite. She is acting like a celebrity that goes to rehab and is feeding off the public adulation of her speeches. Today she put a FB post up with pictures of sand art, speeches about how this happened and today is the new first day of her life, and how she has found hope, and everything happens for a reason. Sounds fair, and everyone is liking the post, but those that know her close see that she is just a master of control and is just trying to reestablish she is in control of herself, is a great mom, and she is just such an awesome person. I'm not saying there's not some truth to this, but what I am saying is she's a PROFESSIONAL at managing other people's perceptions and opinions of her, and she in fact can place more stock in getting public approval than in actually being ok. That's not just my opinion, it's that of my DB coach and IC, so not trying to mind read.

Reason I bring this up is because I've been playing along. I've been the 'abusive husband' and have taken all the blame. Tired of that. Not turning focus away from me for good, just saying that I'm recognizing she isn't the perfect angel and I'm not the devil. She has some serious things to deal with and right now I just need to take care of myself and the kids.

SO- what everyone's been waiting for...back to me. What am I working on? Well, right now it's been survival. I've been pretty tested this week. But now I'm going to be just slowing down, not trying to control anything, and going with the flow. I don't want to wallow, nor do I need to decide what my life needs to look like today. I am spending good time with my children, taking care of myself by meditating, reading, talking with my friends and family, and finding joy in simple things like a game of chess. Seems trivial, but there is some growth in the fact that I am not running from my emotions or trying to control external circumstances. In fact, meeting emotions head on without blaming, controlling, or running...well, never been able to do this before. We'll see where I am in a week. For now I'm just going to breath deep and accept that although I don't believe in divorce, if she is insistent on her current course then it is probably for the best. I am now 2.5 months porn free, I am a better dad, and I am less cocky and realize that my $hit stinks. So next R I'm (NO HURRY!!!) I will be appreciative for every day that my partner gives me, and make a true priority to understand her needs. Oh, that's another thing...even though I'm not seeing a road to reconciliation at this moment I am still trying to meet my STBX's needs by working well with her on family arrangements and making sure she has the right balance of support/distance from me to keep things civil.

Next week I'll do more towards GAL. Just happy to be through this week Thank you all for the support. Really...25, SS, Sam, everyone! Thank you.