Trying to stay patient- part 5

[sandi2]

You aren't just pursuing. You are PUSHING!!!! Do you know how I treated guys with similar behavior....(when I was single, of course)? Very badly! B/c they turned me off so much I couldn't stomach them. It was the cool guy who wasn't constantly panting after me and sniffing my skirt tail. The guy I had to get his attention and flirt with to get him interested in me. The guy who would stand back and just grin at me....and I wouldn't know for sure if he was interested or amused. I was the one who was interested. It was "that" guy who kept me watching him. He was cool! He didn't pursue and push, b/c he didn't have to beg and convince a girl to go out with him. And that what you are doing with your W.

It wasn't enough that you went to dinner on the date, you kept pushing for more! You pushed her right out the door, instead of leaving her wanting more of you. Why do persist in acting so desperate?

Maybe that's why I struggle with balancing pursuit vs continuing to treat her like a friendly neighbor.

Really? How many neighbors do you pursue? It should not be any balancing act at all. Just don't do it. Now, that was simple, wasn't it? . (Seriously I know what you mean, but I had this funny image in my mind of you chasing your neighbor around the block.)

I'm not trying to question vets advice, but if I don't pursue a little and give her opportunities to see the new Tarheel, will she want to continue towards R?

Yeah, you are questioning. You have wanted to pursue since day one, and the fear is causing you to question it.

I hear LBH'S ask the same question about "how will she see the new me if I don't give her opportunities?" Well I call that LBH script! It is hogwash! In the first place, I wonder if those changes have really stuck and if they aren't more like future intentions of what you will do if you get her back. It's when the LBH is "changing" just for her that causes him to want to "show" her how much he has improved. It's just another attempt at convincing her to reconcile. Know what happens if they do reconcile? Those "changes" of his fall by the wayside. It wasn't really for him. He was just doing them to get her back. Once she's back....it's over.

Listen, if you have to do that much to convince her to reconcile......she's not ready, and you will go through all this heartache again.

I know that she should be willing to be fully transparent right now and that I should refuse to accept anything less, but the truth is she's not 'all in' right now. The controlling aspect has been a big hangup of hers, even prior to our S

That is pure BS!! She is unwilling b/c she has something to hide......not b/c you are controlling! Change that song already, it's old.

Want a truth dart? You show your controlling nature through the way you push.....push....PUSH! That is controlling. Not the transparency issue. She controls that....by her own actions. Sure, you can view certain things, but she is the one really in control. Since she is not willing to even pretend to be transparent .........it pretty much tells the ending of the story, doesn't it?

Does this insure all OM contact has ended- of course not. But it does show her that I'm willing to compromise and work with her while letting MC dictate what should happen in regards to transparency.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean here. Transparency does not insure all contact has stopped, that's why I said she is the one in control. What are you talking about compromising? The only way I see you compromising everything you believe in.....is to romance her, wooing her back, chasing & pursuing while she is still in an A.

The WAW in an A is not attracted to a LBH who will accept her back home knowing she is bringing her OM with her. It is one thing when a woman has deceived you.........but when you have your eyes wide open and choose to compromise with her deceit.......then what? She was the one who did wrong, and yet you go chasing after her to plead for another chance. Women see that as weakness and simply are not attracted to it.

It is not standing or fighting for your marriage. It is compromising with her desire for OM.