Feels like an eternity (Mindsin - part. 3)

[25yearsmlc]

Please don't overlook the importance of GAL.

Like I said, it helps you detach which You simply have to do.
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Even though GAL isn't done FOR the WAS to notice, it's hard to overlook it. thing, Doing or learning new things demonstrates change in you. Think about that symbolism.

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. Back then, I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

This was a volunteer job that meant two-4 days a month. There was day care at the shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

For this^^ My h or son watched the baby when we had games/practices and occasionally I hired a sitter. Other parents also helped b/c I was coaching for free and they wanted to help. FWIW, you might be surprised to know how many other women or families (or single dads) will trade ONE day/evening a week with you and watch your kids. Granted that means ONE of your days/evenings is devoted to their kids, but since I had kids of my own, it tended to mean that one afternoon or evening a week, I'd have kids that my kids could play with, over at the house. And that was a win win.

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I don't recall this ^^ volunteering as a problem b/c many of the parents helped out when we had meetings. I don't remember if there were times I needed to hire a sitter but if I did, I did.

I auditioned for community theater and met some Very fun creative people. I got cast in shows, too.

THIS^^^ required the most planning. I made a "deal" with my family in advance and each year, that if I got a part, which meant 8 weeks of 3-4 evenings a week, they'd have to agree ahead of time. They almost always agreed. Over the years I average one show a year (8 weeks of 52).

In terms of demands on them this was the hardest, but they seemed to like me being on stage, or maybe they enjoyed MY delight in it.

There were times I had to hire a sitter for this, but it was pretty predictable if it came to that. Also more than once I had roles with one of my older kids also in the play. Notably, both of them majored in theater and film and are now in the industry. They began doing theater after watching me do it. Meaning, it affected their career goals (for better or worse).

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

Stand up comedy prep work is mostly done at home or with a fellow comedian as a colleague.. The performances themselves are less than an hour. Not a big deal compared to having to prepare for it. Always a weekend.

I usually did my comedy "buddy" work with another comedian, by phone, and tweaked the material as much as I could before going on stage. Stage time itself was not a problem. I'd return in 2 hours. Not many jobs let you return in 2 hours.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I'd sometimes do this with the kids right after school let out. Either one would come with me and the other would watch the baby, or I'd go alone for an hour when the kids got home.

In the last winter there, their arrival home usually meant almost the end of daylight so I had to hurry outside if I wanted to get some sunlight. I would take the snow machine and go to the target range. It helped me get OUTSIDE in the winter - which was vital for feeling sane.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

This^^ was usually done with family members. Arrangements were made to go deep sea fishing with my son, hunting was done with all, and we each enjoyed skiing. By the third year, the baby was a toddler who liked to sled when I went skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

I did this^^ as often as possible. Refreshing, invigorating, and fun for them too.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

This^^ cost money but was a long held dream of mine. H also did it, and because of that it was not hard to arrange child care for each of us to trade.

I went skydiving! I Loved it so much I did it again! And I plan on doing it again, soon! Very very cool.

^^^My kids came and watched, and my oldest d22 joined me. (The first time It was my birthday!) The second time, h and I had reconciled and he went and jumped too.
There is something very symbolic about skydiving. Maybe "taking the jump/risk" and then having the chute open, is just such a powerful empowering experience. Hard to explain but really wonderful. I Highly recommend it.

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

^^^This was work I did from home. However part of the pay was a big game hunt I did a year later, and by then H wanted to join, as did our son.
We got our limit and it was a reverent experience. I'm glad I did it and got a caribou for our family, but I don't think I need to do it again. H loves hunting. The editing work continues and is done mostly from home.

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

This^^ was done at a gym with daycare sometimes available. Sometimes I'd hire someone or have the older kids watch the baby if it was in the day. H also supported my getting in shape enough to help when pressed. After the work outs if I had it planned in advance, I'd have a drink or light meal with the friend and it helped me get out of the house and usually NOT discussing h or the marriage.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of the LONG winters).

Losing weight with a newborn is not easy. I had to exercise AND diet and that was new for me but it's just the truth. I think the effort was worth doing so the kids could SEE that it does happen. Meaning, you can gain weight and you can get rid of it, if you make enough effort, you can do it.

I made a weekly plan and tried to stick by it, and involved them in making it at times. At least once a week I hired a sitter (sometimes it was a neighbor who traded childcare with me; it did not always involve money) and did something with my older chidden. Ideally if you GAL, your spouse will notice in a positive way and may try to help out. I say, depending on the activity, let them.

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

^^^Not terribly time consuming...I don't recall how the childcare worked.

Saw a therapist and for some months, I went on ADs.

Same thing, not very time consuming. On one occasion or two, I brought the baby.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

That ^^was weekly for 6 weeks. Not a big deal but I still have the vases and fruit bowls and coffee mugs. It's cool to make something of your own that you can use. I enjoyed it more than I expected. Don't recall having childcare troubles with it.

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

This ^^ turned into a real social asset. My two friendships from there saved my sanity, and when I have fond memories of those years, those women are usually in them. I'm so grateful for that. Also, it helped b/c a lot of us needed childcare help and were able to trade it around more. So that was another byproduct of joining.

Joined a writer's group

Did a lot of writing at home and then did the readings twice a month. Later some of the writings (the ones with scripts) were produced in a play festival. I don't recall any conflicts with childcare.

Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

These classes^^ were once a week, and I did not take them concurrently. It's not that hard to take ONE night a week to go to a class. But it sure carries over and makes you feel pretty good.

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

it'll do you well to look into doing something new/healthy and or Different.

It really will help.

You don't have to do these all at once. Knowing you WILL do them, often helps. I did these GAL things over a 3 year time period.
I also wrote a lot of columns for the newspaper- but that came up when some issue riled me enough, and when that happened, I'd take an hour or 2 to get fired up and write when the baby slept.

Also, housework was NOT a priority to me when it came time to trade off something to balance out my life. Then again, hiring a housecleaner also reduced marital conflict a LOT...when I worked outside the home, I hired one. When I stayed at home that was a rarer event, but now and then you just have to have someone else clean your house and let you SEE IT DONE and then enjoy it.

Other than a few of these^^, the real "cost" was trading child care or paying for it or sacrificing some time with your other kids. But my kids did not feel burdened by their sibling care or at least they don't say so now. I also know the kids are all very close despite a gap in their ages (the oldest is 12 years older than our youngest but they're very close). And there is a lot of value in your chldren seeing you as a person NOT just there for them...not just cooking their meals and caring for them but also as an individual with interests outside of them.

Not to sound selfish but to be healthy. Plus, don't forget, the alternative to a lot of these activities was to be depressed and inert, which is what I was sorely tempted to do. I had to set an example for them of an active person, not a spectator. In places like Alaska where the winters are so harsh, many people retreat in those months. I just could not emotionally afford to do that.

I do LESS now, b/c I'm in a sunny warm place and don't have the same need to go outside just to survive, if you know what i mean.

I can tell you one thing I'm positive of; it was worth it.

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