I'm on the fence about this lunch. I have been thinking about what kind of person cheats and the fact that my H doesn't seem to care at all about how much he hurt me. I'm thinking about times when I think he probably lied to me before the affair, and wondering if he's just a self-absorbed narcissist and there's no point in trying. I'm thinking about the time I caught him looking at porn when our daughter was 4 months old, and the way he made such a point of asking me to stay out of the basement (where the computer was at that time) during that period of our marriage. About the time I left for a ten hour drive to work on my graduate thesis and he wasn't even planning to wake up to say goodbye to me that morning. I'm wondering why I would want to attract him back when he has made so little investment in our relationship over the years. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a jerk, either.
Maybell, our H's seem so similar. I can look back at times I totally blew off warning signs, receipts for jewelry and lingerie I didn't get, the porn history on the computer, the emails to my best friend. He went on the offensive each time, I backed off and moved on. Each incident didn't seem like that big of a deal in the scheme of things but when I think back on the whole picture now I must be the biggest fool in history. And I'm pretty sure I don't actually want him back, this separation will be the test of that.
