One thing I didn't mention from MC that's been on my mind quite a bit is that W said she first started questioning our M 8 years ago. 8!! Hindsight is 20/20, but I can't help think how things could have been so different had I had the tools and resources I've had this past year back then.
8 years of unhappiness and resentment built up and I expected changes in W overnight or after one conversation....Just goes to show how much patience and time is needed to turn some situations around.
This is just my opinion, but I would question the timeline. I think when you end up in this situation, it's natural to go back to the first time you had serious questions about the marriage, but it doesn't necessarily mean those questions have been ongoing or consistent.
For example, I remeber going through a bit of a rough time shortly after the birth of D6, where I was really hurt by some things that H said and they bothered me for months. Now 6 years later, if I was the one going through a MLC, I would probably say that the problems started 6 years ago - even though there have been many, many good times inbetween.
We had plenty of great times within the past 8 years and I'm sure W went back and forth plenty of times as far as how she felt, so by no means do I think she's been unhappy for the past 8 yrs straight. Just frustrating that I/we had all that time where changes could have occurred within our M.
She also mentioned remembering our trip to Ireland years ago and how she should have been so happy to go, but wasn't. Sure I wasn't the greatest company to be with at the time as I had a ruptured appendix the week before and wasn't my normal active self.
I know I'm going to get a big 2x4 for this pursuing move, but I emailed W this morning asking if she wanted to join me for an out of state wedding next weekend. I've mentioned it to her before, but hadn't actually asked her. She knows the wedding group and I'm going regardless, but think it would be a great opportunity to hang out and reconnect at our favorite vacation spot. She hasn't replied yet- I told her to take a few days and think it over. I'm not counting on her going, but it would say a lot about her effort in R should she decide to.
But there has to be some pursuing, right? I agree that the other night was excessive- I didn't realize that until it was all written down in front of me. But someone has to lead this train and I think it's clear it's not going to be W. MC even agreed that MC couldn't be the only actions we were taking towards R.
W has known about the wedding for a while now and I had mentioned it to her a few times in passing and she expressed some interest. I didn't want to invite her too early though, afraid that it was pursuing too soon. And maybe this is too soon, but logistically (taking time off work, sitter for the kids) I was running out of time.
With all that said, I do see your point and will be scaling back my pursuit in general. Just wanted to explain my point of view.
I'm no expert and you get great advice from Starsky, Wonka, and Train. Something leapt out to me about your post. I hope I'm wrong , however something about your W doesn't feel *all in* yet. I mean as to working on things. I don't say that to be hurtful-just my observation. You can't be do afraid of losing he that you don't set some reasonable boundaries and I disagree in that you have to pursue at this point. I don't see how that is going to benefit anyone at this juncture. Chasing someone who appears to be unsure they want to try won't yield good results. Your wife knows you want to be with her so barraging her with invites that might be more appropriate down the road could seem desperate on your behalf. I don't want to sound harsh. Friendly neighbor approach is still best.
I'm with Train about the being swapping minds with the opposite gender. That would be oh so enlightening.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks Georgiabelle. I agree that she is not 'all in' right now. Mindreading, but I get the feeling this is more of a 'let's try MC, family time, increased communication to see if my feelings come back' as opposed to 'I want my feelings to come back, so let's MC, date, etc'.
Maybe that's why I struggle with balancing pursuit vs continuing to treat her like a friendly neighbor. I'm not trying to question vets advice, but if I don't pursue a little and give her opportunities to see the new Tarheel, will she want to continue towards R? Take our date the other night for example- I made sure to look her in the eyes, validate, ask questions...I could feel that it was helping her open up and feel more comfortable in sharing with me. Almost a year into S and I think W has initiated 1 on 1 time less than 5 times. Maybe that's telling me something...
But like I said, it's clear now that I've been over pursuing this past week, so need to step back.
If it were me, continued contact with OM would be a dealbreaker. It was in my sitch, and you have said it is likewise with you.
If it were me, I would (and did, in my sitch) insist upon a no-contact letter being sent and full transparency from my wife in order to verify no-contact and to rebuild trust as we pieced. You have said likewise with you, and in fact communicated to your wife that you NEEDED that.
She's done nothing in that regard.
You put it all off until your MC appt., and then never addressed it.
Now you're asking us why you shouldn't pursue your wife.
Can you see why I say no? If you were your wife, what message would you receive from all of the above?
Starsky, because my W feels that sharing access to her email, phone, etc is coming across as controlling, is it a fair compromise to request she send the letter, delete all electronic friendships/connections and dispose of all letters, gifts, etc in exchange for waiting until our next MC session (probably 2 weeks) to discuss full transparency?
I know that she should be willing to be fully transparent right now and that I should refuse to accept anything less, but the truth is she's not 'all in' right now. The controlling aspect has been a big hangup of hers, even prior to our S. Does this insure all OM contact has ended- of course not. But it does show her that I'm willing to compromise and work with her while letting MC dictate what should happen in regards to transparency.
