Keeping it real

[25yearsmlc]

Wife is back home. I am back out.

My DB coach originally said NOT to leave her alone with kids immediately and to stay there temporarily. My W threw a fit and said she can't have me in house due to her fear of me. Fortunately I had a meeting with my DB coach set up for today so I asked W if she'd like to join on be call, the idea being if my DB coach was cool with me leaving then I'd leave. She joined me on the call, and we had a good discussion. W had some valid reasons to be uncomfortable with me there so coach said we could work out other arrangements. Coach seemed tough on me but it was good, I hope my W remembers how validated she felt and how fair coach was. May plant a small seed.

Given the givens, I think you did the best you could.

In the meantime W is fully recommitted to D. Says she didn't mean to mislead me, but that we can't work in a marriage. She likes that I am doing better with the kids and wants me to find ways to take them for a weekend so she can have some adult time. Personally she still seems a bit contradictory.

I'd rephrase that. She's VERY contradictory and is a perfect example of why we say "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do." That STILL applies. Don't freak out or think anything is final, based on these comments. And don't push for any answers from her. She seems to be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

None of which absolves you of your work, nor does it make you a great h or dad. I'm actually impressed with how realistic you are with your shortcomings as a dad but it's also a handicap. You are forewarned that your role as a father MUST be improved upon and increased, greatly. When a man admits, as you did awhile back, that seeing your kids a few times a week would be better than in the past, that says a lot...and in your wife's defense, I can see why she'd ask if your changes are real. ((BTW, I absolutely believe she was curious about your changes for good reasons, but that doesn't mean she's not confused. She is, obviously. But then, so are you.))

Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


She had a beer in her hand, which immediately after hospital release when you know social services might check in AND you just got off a three month bender...I get she's celebrating the release but seemed odd.

It IS odd, but you have to remember not to be the one to police her actions. She must have a caseworker or social worker or SOMEONE following her treatment and that's the person for you to contact. Don't make her paranoid around you. Especially now. Help her to trust you. Any talk of "Cake eating" is so inappropriate in this situation that it makes me shake my head and wonder if the person remarking that way has read this whole thread.

Your whole family is in crisis. NO ONE is having fun at your expense or "using" you.

I know of 2 suicides on these boards. I take this VERY seriously. Your wife is deeply damaged, and in terrible pain. Your vows said "in sickness and in health" and even if all you can offer her now is your health insurance and emotional support, "as a friend" - DO IT so she feels safer and has more hope.

MY guess is that She thinks her future is very bleak b/c she can't trust you to be her man, and now she thinks "no one else will want me", and as a sahm, she worries she won't be able to make it on her own financially either. Her fears make sense.


Then she talked about finding herself vs having companionship, but made a point to say I could date and talked about how she missed days on the pill and needed to get back on her birth control.

Whatever. Not my journey. It hurt really bad to have her mislead me, then to go through that scare, then to have 5 days with the children with my living situation in the air and with tension so intense one bad move would've started a custody war, only to do an awesome job across the board but be rejected again. Not being wanted in my family is horrible.


I'm not clear about the "awesome job across the board", and I don't mean to sound petty with that remark. I'm just not sure what you mean. It sounded to me as if you showed up in an emergency that anyone would do except a real ogre. But the thing is, Your good deeds were noticed by your kids, (if no one else.) And your showing up was appreciated and witnessed by them. You can't expect a big welcome home and reward from her- for a week or two of showing up, especially after years of the past you two had.

Your good deeds won't pay off that way...but your kids know you were there and they are probably feeling safer and more loved around you. That needs to matter more to you. I'd say it's THE most important thing; not what your emotional wife is saying today.


Back to working on me. This was an emotional backslide (or I wasn't as detached as I thought). Gotta focus on me again and take care of myself. It feels bad but I'm doing my best and I'm proud of the choices I'm making.

Take care of your kids, and yourself and keep a compassionate eye out for your wife. Make sure she knows the health insurance covers...whatever it covers and that you will make sure she gets the help she needs if there are some gaps in coverage.

I think You can/should say this in a way that doesn't make it sound as if she's the only one with problems. And don't forget only a short while ago you talked a lot about your fantasy world, not knowing reality, being delusional, etc...

she has hers, you have yours and both of you can/need to do better.

So, back to YOU. What are the changes you are most concerned with making this month? And how are you and the kids? Can you do an activity WITH them that they like or choose? (I say that b/c it sounded as if you pretty much made the choices about all that before hand. And maybe letting them choose would be a good way for you to get to know them and their talents/likes/dislikes and of course for them to feel more comfortable with you.

Here is a true story that might shed light on PART of your situation...

2007--
A beautiful & fun neighbor of ours, in a pretty darn happy marriage and with 4 kids, told me she'd had a "come to Jesus!" talk with her husband a year earlier. Because of that talk, he began working fewer hours and spending more time at home. He took a pay cut for that.

He mentioned on Halloween that he was coaching his daughter's soccer team, watching his son practice basketball, and that he felt that he was "finally getting to know his own kids"...I have to tell you in that moment I was so jealous of what I was hearing. I'd have given anything to have MY husband saying something like that.

Then quite unexpectedly, and after playing cards at our house with both families, his wife & my dear friend, said she had a "splitting headache" and died of an aneurysm. Bam! 42, stunning looking tall blonde with a kind heart and easy laugh, a great mother and a loving wife...just yanked out of a family, which she was the center of...for 2 years those kids looked like they'd just been punched in the stomach.

I've often wondered if my friend somehow sensed she wasn't long for this earth, so she got her husband to KNOW their kids before she left us.

I mean, the calendar on the wall was color coordinated to match each child's activities so you literally could come in and take over on a day's notice. SO organized, who had piano lessons, who had trouble with math, a dentist appointment and practice, etc. Each child was a specific color, etc.

She was a great mom, and she made her h a good father while she was alive. Then she died, and he became a great father.

Like him, you can take a sad tragic ordeal, and make it into a blessing.


You need decide NOTHING about your marital status now. In fact, that would be about the last thing on my mind if I were you.

In some states her mental status cold prevent you from being able to divorce her and the amount of income a court would impute to her would be much less in her present condition.

As a fellow DBer and as a L, I think there are arguments to be made for you to put all that aside for now. Yes, I know SHE may not, but you can still not help speed it up, for HER sake if nothing else. Help her to heal. She'll need your insurance for one thing...anyhow, again it's not something to be decided today.

You have some fundamentals to work on. I think as bad off as your wife sounds, it's possible you've had your head in the sand quite a lot never to have noticed how desperate she was getting. I also have a hard time believing this was the first time she has had too much to drink. Which makes me wonder where you were...mentally/emotionally I mean. Not to be crass, but is that when you were on your own with the computer?

Anyhow, You talked so much about all your unmet needs...I hope you can better see now how empty her tanks have been and how many of her needs were unmet. She could never live up to the porn fantasies, which is depressing (and a huge turn off btw) and perhaps that is why she threw herself into motherhood. Kids tend to love us with so little effort on our parts.

So work on you, be fully PRESENT for your kids, and help take care of your wife.

At this point staying married would not be THE priority;

helping your children and wife to stay healthy and alive, while you become the man you were meant to become, would be.

Keep posting and keep on keeping on.

Sending you virtual hugs

(((( ))))