I'm sorry you're feeling so in despair. That's what it sounds like to me. You just want her pain to stop and you think you caused it all. It's just not true, despite what she says. It just isn't.
I agree with Claire. You need to speak to someone and you are likely depressed. Given all you're facing, don't take that as another failure. It takes courage to see and admit when you're not operating at 100% and to reach out for help. Do that for yourself. You deserve that and it's a first step toward making yourself so amazing she'd be a fool to continue without out.
