Bob, it is probably going to look like I’m stomping on kittens but I’m going to call you out on your last post.
I noticed your heart wrenching, anguish filled post didn't discuss solutions.
If I did not know this was written by a grown man I would think a teenage boy wrote this. Did you actually read what you wrote?
If you will “always love your wife” then do something about it now. Do not “always love your wife” while setting your marriage on fire. Teenagers have a “Romanized” view of love made unattainable by Disney movies. The concept of “loving someone forever” is a great idea if you plan to be with that person forever. If not “loving someone forever” is destructive.
It hinders forward progress in other relationships because you will compare your current relationship with an idealized version of a failed relationship.
If you have a movie real in your head of good times then so does your wife. Do you understand how movies work? You say you have a movie in your head. So does she.
You think your wife’s movies are about good times because your movies are about good times. This is your mistake.
You think she is interpreting your gestures as kind because you think they are kind. Again, this is your mistake.
Your wife is interpreting your gestures through her eyes. Not yours.
Maybe her movies are about your failure to commit. Maybe she is making new movies with men she is dating right now. You don’t know because you aren’t communicating with her.
She doesn’t know why you gave her the assets. Maybe she thinks you did it because you want to get rid of her. You just said this is why she paid all the bills from her 2nd marriage.
Every day of silence is one more day you lose in taking a positive step toward rebuilding your marriage.
You say that you don't know how to get out of the cycle. This is untrue. Of course you know how to get out of the cycle. Change your behavior.
A more accurate statement is you are deeply disturbed over your inability to compromise and if your wife doesn’t give in you don’t see any hope for your marriage. So you are trying to set yourself up to be her “hero” in case you do get a divorce. This way she won’t hate you. You think if she doesn’t hate you then you still have a chance.
But you have your chance right now and you are blowing it to pieces.
I know she is the only major relationship you have ever had but this is not an excuse for your insensitivity. And Bob you are insensitive.
Read the last email she wrote to you. She said she thought she was in “this amazingly intimate relationship. And suddenly I learned that I was wrong.”
You have let this statement go unanswered for over a month. You should have responded to it right away with, “You weren’t wrong. We are in an amazingly intimate relationship. We’re just in a rough patch right now.”
You want instructions on how to be a better husband? This is where you start. Learn to care about your wife. When your wife pleads for reassurance that she is in an intimate relationship not only do you give her reassurance but you do it without a request. And then you go one step further--whatever that may be--until she no longer needs to be reassured.
